MEIOU&Taxes 2.0 Brittany AAR/Mod Showcase -- Part 23: Death of a Dynasty (FINAL)

Welcome back for the last time to my shitty AAR! To make this finale truly grand, it's extra long and full of drama, as you can probably tell by that extra long title (half of which is only visible on reddit because aar.li is triggered by long titles).

Spoiler warning: don't read the title of this part.

Also, M&T 2.02 has been released as well as a hotfix patch, so go grab that while you can! I'll get it soon too, once I've uninstalled my current version of M&T. The patch notes of 2.02 may or may not have made me hard.

The fort and its surrounding village in Maputo is named after the discoverer of the bay, Jacques Cartier. Valuable ivory, fresh water and supplies are sold to passing merchant ships for profit and missionaries spread the word of God in the nearby tribal lands.

Apparently this is the only ivory producing province in the world, meaning I own 100% of the market share. Probably because ivory was removed as a rural good and replaced with a modifier, but newly colonized provinces still have a chance of getting it. Good job, M&T team.

Where are those passing merchant ships coming from? India, of course! Trade contacts are established in the busy ports of wealthy southern tip of India. It is just a seed for now, but from it will sprout a big thicc tree.

After the wealthiest merchant in Nantes dies childless, the state inherits his wealth. Francois is not exactly sure what to do with the money, at least not yet.

The dire portent of the event goes unnoticed by him.

Padrig de Kerellec dies of scurvy. Remember to eat your fruits, kids!

Francois has always been a fan of jeu de paume, the precursor to tennis which is played indoors and which spread from Paris to Nantes over the centuries. He even built a small indoor court for the game, and enjoyed playing it with his relatives and courtiers.

However, after an exhausting game, he drank a lot of cooled wine. So much that he became sick and eventually died. His physicians say he died of pneumonia, but some whisper of poisoning, and rumours spread about who was behind the assassination.
(this is based on a true story: en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Louis_X_of_France#Death_and_legacy)

Francois' untimely death shocks the upper class of Brittany, as he left behind no legitimate heir. At an emergency meeting of the Estates, a fierce argument erupts about who should succeed. From the house of de Blois, there are no good candidates, and if they choose a random Breton noble, they'll have to decide which ancient house will get the throne. Of course, all noble families are equally hungry for it, and so that option is discarded.

The last option is to elect a foreign ruler, and the Estates agree that this is the best course of action as long as the new Prince comes from a reliable and trusted ally abroad.

And so, Paol de Trastámara of Spain is soon crowned the Prince of Brittany in Rennes. The reign of the French de Blois dynasty has come to an end, after 208 years.

If you thought this death would happen at the end of this part, well, hehe you've been mistaken. The story of de Blois is over, but another story begins. Now you will see its first chapter.

Paol is young and already married to another member of the royal family. But the positive things about him end there. He is not particularly skilled, especially when it comes to running the day-to-day affairs of the Principality, and he has no legitimate claim to the throne whatsoever. Him being elected by the Estates means nothing as no law or decree gives the Estates any such power to do that, thanks to old centralization reforms.

Nevertheless, Paol is ambitious and thinks the perfect way to prove his right to the throne is by expanding the realm and showing his ability to rule by doing what he does best, waging war.

Already internal conflicts begin to brew, as well as a civil war. Nobles unhappy with the decision of the Estates plot to kill the foreigner and take the crown for themselves.

While Paol has already moved to the Princely Palace in Nantes, his wife remains in Spain due to her pregancy. When she finally arrives and lands in the port of Nantes, she carries with her a baby.

Paol has an heir, and he is christened Francois. His name does not come from the previous Prince but from the King of Spain, whose name Francisco translates to Francois in French.

Okay I'm not sure what the fuck is wrong with this, as I have merchant ships here and it says "we transfer to south africa" but it's fucking lying to me because nothing is being transfered anywhere.

I think I need a merchant to steer the trade to a desired direction, but still, why is the UI a dishonest bitch?

Not long after Francois passes away, archbishop Philippe does too. Paol is afraid of plots against him and wants a loyal Archbishop to support him.

While waiting for a new archbishop to arrive in Nantes, Paol orders the military to be expanded and buys arms and armanents from abroad. As the Count of Aunis, he also orders a draft there.

Not only that, but he expands the navy by conscripting more transports for his larger army and commissioning a new caravel in Brest.

Jean Dubec-Crespin becomes the new Archbishop of Nantes and turns out to be a loyal man who supports Paol's claim to the throne. Unfortunately, he is also utterly corrupt. He quietly grabs tithe money for himself, which doesn't exactly make people happy.

Nantes' rapid growth continues as it becomes an important center of trade, eclipsing Bordeaux in importance.

Constentin loses another 30,000 people to the famine as winter turns to spring. Paol ensures his subjets that the next harvest will be a success, which does little to comfort grieving families.

Brittany's Princely Galleons undergo significant repairs as they are improved in many ways. It's expensive, but in Paol's mind, totally worth it. Brittany must rule the waves and show that off by having shiny new ships equipped with latest fancy technology.

Religious unrest has evolved into a religious civil war in Denmark-Norway as reformed fanatics occupy towns and castles and commit small-scale genocide on heretics. Even Stockholm falls.

Far in India, the mighty nation of Travanacore rules the southern lands. However, the autonomy of their land is extremely high, mostly thanks to the effects of Indian monarchy government and high corruption. It's so high, in fact, that Travanacore has a standing army smaller than Brittany's, despite having much, much more population. The nobles are mighty indeed, so if the ruler pisses them off, Travanacore (or any Indian nation) will have a bad time.

Missionary activities are apparently a success, as deep in the central African forests thousands of tribesmen have been baptized. Not sure why my missionaries convert these faraway provinces instead of the ones right next to my trade posts, but whatever.

shut up i'm not cheating i was checking why my missionaries seemed to be doing nothing

well while I'm cheating i might as well show off colonization mechanics, the last M&T mechanics I haven't explained yet.

Like I've said before (long ago, don't feel bad if you don't remember), in M&T you get slightly less settlers but you get more colonists, which should result in fairly fast expansion. Sadly the AI tends to be quite crap sometimes so less of the map is colonized in the end.

Here is the capital of Portuguese Columbia, the first colonial nation in the world. In the north, you can see the Spanish settling the Caribbean.

This modifier you've already seen in my trade posts, but it wasn't supposed to be in them. The provinces don't have plantations yet so they're settler colonies.

You might wonder, why is the province portuguese and protestant? Did the natives all die?

Well no, as here's the other part of the settler mechanic which doesn't appear in my trade posts: Native population. These are probably people of different culture and maybe even religion, but they do not dominate local politics in any way and are cheap labour on farms until they die off and need to be replaced by african slaves (Not sure if they actually die off in-game, that's just what should happen).

In settler colonies, the proportion of natives will decrease over time as colonists come from the imperialists' homeland. Caquetio, the capital, already has 30-40,000 colonists in it as it was the first colony.

Not sure what effect it has, so it might just be for flavour. For now, at least.

Of course, as a wonderful gift the milkskins bring horrifying plagues that devastate the populace.

poop emoji? really? who the fuck thought this was a good idea?

fuck this i'm uninstalling M&T

These plague modifiers are the same as in regular plagues, but tend to be more severe. However, I'm not sure if they work properly on uncolonized provinces. Those portuguese colonies, for example, sure had quite a few natives living in them.

Might as well show the geopolitical situation in the New World. South America is home to two rival empires, the Quito and the Inca, who are roughly equal in strength and thus fail to decisively defeat one another.

Mesoamerica is a lovely bordergore mess as it should be, although the Mayas and Aztecs are unifying the region.

This makes me want to play Mesoamerica Universalis. RELEASE PATCH NAO OR RIOT

After a successful harvest, the famine is truly over in Western Europe. But now there's famine in Central Europe instead.

Constentin's rural population is down to 400,000. About 90,000 people died in this province alone.

You think wars are devastating? Pah, famines are real killers. The total casualty number of the last major war in Western Europe was around 190,000. Take just two provinces of mine and you already have that many famine victims. And remember, war casualties include PoWs, deserters, refugees and so on while famine is pretty much 99% death.

Brittany lost roughly half a million people to the famine. God knows how many France lost. The urban population remained mostly intact, as they can buy food easily and are more safe from famine. Plagues are urban pop killers while famines are rural pop killers. And because rural pop tends to be much more numerous, famine is mass killer number 1.

oh what's that? Nomads have a special "BURN EVERYTHING" loot option in M&T 2.02?

Famine is mass killer number 2.

If you fail, try try again. Who gives a crap if tens of thousands of people die? THE BORDERS MUST BE REDRAWN AND CLAY MUST BE CLAIMED GOD DAMMIT this is a paradox game after all

Reformed heretics have been driven back and have lost Stockholm, but they've seized the wealthy mines of Falun and massacred numerous miners, farmers and priests.

A political and religious threatens to occur when Paol lets the church hold trial for its own member, who is accused of various horrible crimes that may or may not include baby fucking. Paol needs the support of the church due to his low legitimacy and is willing to take the risk.

It ends up biting him in the butt as the criminal gets a light sentence, which leads to the scandal worsening and marring his reputation. The archbishop is pleased, but everyone else is not.

While I'm in this screen, I note that my national modifiers have changed. Brittany is now Cultured and gets a tiny bonus.

My development level has increased even further and is now level 4, decent. That land force limit modifier is sweet.

After smoking some hemp bought from Bro Dreger, Guanche peasants see a vision of Virgin Mary. Locals take advantage of this by spreading the word to Brittany and then selling religious merchandise to arriving pilgrims. Eventually, the word reaches the Palace of Nantes.

Paol, who does not want to ruin his reputation even more, sails to Canarias to witness the site of the vision and pray to Jesus' mommy. While on the isles, he notices that the locals are not exactly pleased of Francois' decision to integrate and annex their country. They pay homage to him only hesitantly and almost struggle to call him their Prince.

S T O P

I T ' S T I M E T O S T O P

I T ' S S T O P O ' C L O C K

stooooooop

I feel like the lesser nobles are trolling me at this point.

The Indian man from Kotte who asked for Brittany's help has died of old age, and thus Brittany loses its claim on a wealthy city on the island of Ceylon. Some nobles are displeased with this, so Paol tries to appease them by sending an ultimatum to Travanacore that asks them to return Kotte to the deceased man's heir, or else! The mighty Indian prince rolls his eyes and throws the letter out of the window into the toilet (outside of India, it's called "street"), but at least nobles are satisfied.

The main reason why neither Francois nor Paol have gone to war in distant India is the sheer military might of Travanacore, or more precisely, its nobility. The local aristocracy can draft tens of thousands of soldiers with ease if their liege so desires, and are willing to do so thanks to their high loyalty. A war against Travanacore would be suicidal.

France, too, has mighty nobles, albeit they're less loyal.

Spain has founded its first colonial nation as well. So far, only Portugal and Spain have reached the New World. Brittany cares not for disease-infested American jungles, they only care for African and Indian disease-infested jungles.

Portugal has ambitions to subjugate the pagan primitives of Mesoamerica, but it remains to be seen if the AI is competent enough to fulfill that ambition.

Now, here's something cool I noticed. Ever heard of the mighty trade city of Puola which rivaled Venice in its splendour? Me neither, because in our timeline it has always been a small Croatian town. Here, it has grown into a huge city over the centuries and is almost the second capital of Venice.

Fun fact: "Puola" is Finnish for "Poland".

Here you can see how the province started the game with only two buildings, a cathedral and a trade wharf. Venice and its burghers then invested wagon loads of cash into the province and turned it into a trade hub.

This is my favourite thing about M&T, dynamic cities popping up in ahistorical places.

The Queen of Norway (DO NOT CALL HER THE QUEEN OF ICELAND) has converted to catholicism, probably trying to get aid from Catholic princes so she can retake her kingdom from marksist Danes.

The Breton merchant ships are not the only ones sailing the Indian oceans. Kilwa, Banu Rassi and Persian nations all try to profit from commerce with India.

But Paol cares not for the wealth of India, for he has other concerns. He will distract his subjects from internal issues and the religious scandal by declaring a daring war against the powerhouse of Western Europe and Brittany's former eternal ally: France.

Already, French has been abolished as an official language and is temporarily replaced with Latin. Paol first considered making Spanish an official language, but much of the nobility protested because learning a new language is a pain in the ass. So instead, Paol plans to make Breton and Gallo, the native languages of Brittany, into official languages. He has hired capable men from the best universities in Europe to make this possible, and has commissioned a version of the bible written in Breton.

In general, he fights back against French influences, for he needs a big and scary enemy that he can save Brittany from. France, which has already embargoed Brittany before and threatened with war, is the perfect choice for such a role. And so French wine has been replaced with Spanish wine, Francois' tennis court has been turned to a banquet hall where only Spanish dances are allowed and printing literature in French is banned.

And now, Paol will prove his legitimacy by declaring a pre-emptive war to protect Brittany from French invaders. If the war goes well, he will be able to connect Aunis with Brittany by taking Bas-Poetou. He calls the faithful allies of Brittany to aid.

TRIAD ASSEMBLE! Spain and Burgundy shall help us in bringing down the BBB (Big Blue Blob for any EU4 noobs out there). France Containment Project will be successful.

T O W A R

*eu4_war_horn_sound.mp3*

France calls its allies, Scotland, Venice, Geneva and Fermo to war. Pah, nothing can stop the Triad!

Pierre de Kersauzon, one of the best breton generals in history, invades Picardie with his army and Burgundian allies. It is the wealthiest French province, thanks to its thriving dye production and large city.

France goes on the offensive immediately as well and invades Constentin and Bro Roazhon, laying siege to Rennes. The Queen of France calls her noble subjects to send levies for the crown.

Picardie and its mighty fortresses fall within two and a half months, shocking the French. Pierre puts on sunglasses and walks away from the forts as they explode epicly behind him.

Okay maybe that didn't happen, but the point is, Pierre has 3 siege pips. No walls can stand in his way.

okay fine burgundian cannons helped a bit too

With no other forts standing in the way, the allied army marches west to attack the French armie--

wait what the fuck

PARADOX FIX THE FUCKING FORTS GOD DAMMIT WHAT IS THIS SHIT

*goes to shitpost loudly on the paradox forums, as if that fixes anything*

Oh, they have a fort in Calais? Uh, okay. And is that blocking the movement of my army?

for fuck's sake Johan fix your crappy strategy game

Pierre besieges Calais after an invisible wall prevents him moving west.

Nah there's gotta be a better fluff explanation... uh, Pierre is raided by soldiers from Calais and is forced to go back and take it so his flank is secure? sure whatever it's not like anyone cares about the fluff i write anyways

While Paol anxiously waits for after action reports from Pierre, news arrive from India: Travanacore is at war with their mighty neighbour, Bahmani sultanate. Perhaps this is an opportunity for opportunism?

Calais is about to fall, but so is Constentin. Burgundy somehow manages to navigate past the Paradox's byzantine fort zone of control system and besieges Poitiers, which is right next to our war goal.

Constentin falls and the French immediately prepare to reintegrate the region into the royal domain.

Constentin is a french core, so war dynamism kicks in. But I don't need to hurry as war dynamism takes quite a while to trigger.

Hmm, what is Spain doing?

...

WHAT THE FUCK IS SPAIN DOING

Another Pierre marches north, aiming to retake Picardie, while the Breton Pierre installs a garrison in the captured forts of Calais and embarks on transports.

He lands in Chevbourc and from there goes on a campaign of reconquest, taking back lightly garrisoned castles and forts. The French army besieging Rennes abandons the siege and retreats back home when they hear the news of Pierre arriving.

French Pierre has changed his mind and instead marches south to engage with a small Burgundian army. Will Burgundy abandon the siege to save their smaller detachment?

Anjou besieges Aunis, for they have nothing better to do.

Louis II de Valois leaves Poitiers and forces his men to march extra fast by casting a spell of haste on them (mana cost: 2 per province). He manages to get to Berry just in time and engages the French. To Pierre's shock, the noble levies, mercenaries and drafted men lose their morale rapidly and soon the French frontline has collapsed.

It is a bitter defeat for France and a great victory for Duke Louis and the Triad.

Constentin is captured quickly and Pierre's army marches south next, to Bas-Poetou and Aunis. Meanwhile Burgundy returns to Poitiers, only to discover that the local garrison has refilled their storages and repaired their walls.

The small force of Anjou is quickly pushed away from Aunis, although not without casualties.

Poitiers falls and Bas-Poetou is occupied, its French governor banished. The Spanish navy is at least contributing, unlike the army, by blockading the coast of Aquitaine. Geneve's small but elite army is besieging Burgundian forts.

yay wow a colony is self-sustaining how nice

i don't care, i'm fighting a war

Pierre (of Brittany) chooses Anjou to be his next target and besieges Angers. The heaviest losses of the war so far are taken when a virulent disease outbreak spreads in the camps and kill or disable thousands of soldiers and accompanying civilians.

The French army (or at least one of them) has retreated to Spain, where they can besiege crap freely. Venice is way ahead of them, having captured several provinces and trasfered occupation to France.

The Spanish army? Fuck if I know what it's doing. Maybe the Spanish AI realized it's an AI and is having an existential crisis.

Just as the garrison of Angers is about to wave the white flag like true Frenchmen, the other French army arrives from the south, as do the soldiers of Anjou. They must be angry that I'm besieging Angers. Ha ha, get it? Angry? Angers? ha ha ha

...

fine I'll kill myself tonight don't worry

But after a moment of tension, the French decide to march further north to Picardie and leave the Bretons alone. When Angers' garrison hears of their allies abandoning them, they surrender and open the gates. Only 10,000 civilians died during the siege, so Pierre is pleased with his success.

While France is in the north, Pierre decides to attack the forces of Anjou and relieve the siege of Poitiers. Genevans come to aid first, and then the French, who were apparently just getting reinforcements instead of taking back Picardie. Uh-oh.

"A general who knows when he can fight and when he cannot shall be victorious."
- Sun Tzu.

What a great excuse for running away like cowards. Thanks, chinaman.

Pierre pulls away just before enemy reinforcements come. He managed to inflict heavier casualties on the enemy so its not completely embarrasing.

Fun fact: Apparently the Art of War is fucking tiny and short. I read it about a week ago and it only took me an hour or so. I was expecting some huge compendium on warfare, the bible of generals, but instead it was "How to play Total War and win". Not joking, there's a lot of basic advice that is actually useful in CA's games.

"Do not attack an enemy that has the high ground"
-Sun Tzu
-Obi-Wan Kenobi
-Literally every Total war guide ever

The French are unable to chase because of the hostile garrison in Poitiers, so they besiege the town and its fortifications. Burgundy has marched back north and taken Lidje, a province of great interest to them.

One of my aims in this war is to reduce bordergore and punish France for its map painting-related crimes. Meaning Burgundy will get more land than I will. If we win, that is.

With the French busy in the south, Pierre makes a new plan: an offensive on the undefended French capital, Paris. With his transports, his army will be able to go around the fortresses of Normandy and go along the Seine straight to the city.

M A R C H T O P A R I S, it'll be like driving a truck to Moscow!

Oh Turks lost? well the terms don't seem to bad, they lost no land and--

...

that's, uh, that's a lot of gold.

Pierre lays siege to the largest city in Europe. The Queen of France has already fled, which doesn't do much to encourage the defenders. A Burgundian army is nearby capturing Argonne and will hopefully be able to aid if need be.

Argonne falls, as does Langres. Meanwhile France is still besieging Poitiers, and Anjou is sitting around their capital, unable to encircle it with their tiny army.

Paol's plan is not exactly successful, as some people are still angry at him instead of being distracted by the war and being impressed by his victories so far. So he uses his considerable influence in the Curia and the aid of his loyal archbishop to buy indulgences from Rome. Surely, by paying money to be forgiven for sins, he will regain his people's favour.

Not only that, but he gets the Pope to bless him, which further strenghtens his legitimacy.

Venice is carving a path through Spain, aiming for Cadiz, the capital. Rebels realize the Spanish army is paralyzed for some bizarre reason and start looting crap.

Fuck you Spain, I don't need you anyways.

Poitiers has fallen to the enemy and its garrison has been sent back to their homes in Burgundy, humiliated. The French army goes to aid their vassal and properly begins the reconquest of Anjou.

The walls of Paris are breached and the defenders are getting increasingly desperate. Where is Pierre? Where is his army? Surely aid will come?

Naples congratulates Hungary on their victory against the Turks by declaring war.

Even though Paol declared war against a catholic nation and caused all of catholic Western Europe to be engulfed in the flames of devastation, the archbishop announces that the war is a fully justified one and approved by God, who has put his divine approval stamp on it. 74 people are so impressed by his speech that they volunteer for the army.

Burgundy arrives near Anjou, coming to help the besieged Breton garrison occupying Angers.

Henri d'Auxy proves his competence as a general and the might of Burgundy by soundly defeating the enemies and causing heavy casualties. Thousands of corpses lie scattered around the battered and blackened walls of Angers, the siegeworks burning. The Bretons celebrate atop the ramparts and sing their praises to their allies.

After many months, Paris finally falls and Pierre's triumphant army marches on the streets, passing by the cathedral of Notre Dame and the Royal palace, carrying captured enemy standards. The populace is not particularly happy to see this parade, having lost 60,000 citizens during the siege. The largest city in Europe is no longer the largest.

Breton soldiers celebrate like soldiers do and pack their wagons full of free souvenirs from the capital. So full, in fact, that the entire army is slowed down as wagons overloaded with jewellery and other treasures get stuck in mud.

Pierre's next aim is to retake Poitiers, while Burgundy besieges Perche, having quickly captured Tours with a bloody assault.

Realizing that the Breton-Burgundian pals are a tough nut to crack, more enemies decide to raid defenceless Spain instead as it's much easier and less risky.

Spain continues to lose 1000 manpower a month by standing in place. B R A V O

After taking both Poitiers and Bas-Poetou once again, the Breton army marches east, all the way to Bar, which will hopefully be given to Burgundy. Speaking of Burgundy, they've taken Perche and are now besieging the previous Church Council site, Berry.

wait how can i pass by the fort in brie?

...

fuck this fort system god dammit

As Pierre and his men march in a long, depressing column, they pass through Blois, the homeland of Charles the Blessed, the founder of the de Blois dynasty. Perhaps out of respect to his former liege and his family, Pierre forbids his soldiers from looting the completely defenceless province. He keeps this secret from Paol and does not mention it in his reports, lest he anger the Spanish Prince.

Bar is not spared and soldiers are allowed to loot the countryside freely. However, if nearby Metz is not taken, its garrison will simply recapture the province. And so Pierre does what he does best: blow shit up with his artillery.

Unsurprisingly, Spain makes peace with France when Venice approaches their capital and pays a substantial tribute to the enemy.

Well, at least they tied down tens of thousands of enemy soldiers, which allowed me and Burgundy to have an easier time. Thanks Spain, I guess.

...

You know what, fuck Spain and fuck the Triad, we don't need those dumb cunts anyways. DOUBLE B ALLIANCE 4LYFE

Metz, the easternmost stronghold in France, is heavily fortified, as is its surrounding countryside. But Pierre cares not and orders his cannons to fire relentlessly at any weak spots in the walls that his men have spotted.

The Burgundians take Bordeaux, but as the victorious host is marching through Gascony the French Royal army approaches, Pierre at its helm. A fierce battle begins and soon ends as Pierre surrenders. Almost 30,000 french soldiers are taken prisoner and stripped of their weapons. Hundreds of cannons and thousands of horses and wagons are taken as well. It is a resounding victory and ensures Henri d'Auxy's place in history books.

But now the Venetian army has returned from capitulated Spain, and I'm afraid they won't be as much of a pushover as the French were. Quite the opposite, in fact.

See, the main reason why Burgundy won so easily against France was their huge tech advantage. It is, in fact, amongst the most advanced in Europe, using tactics that haven't even been thought of elsewhere in Europe. Venice, however, is not far behind.

Metz and its surrounding forts have finally all surrendered.

France, on the other hand, is woefully behind in military tech. They don't even use tercios yet, and a much smaller portion of their army is armed with gunpowder weapons. Burgundians only needed a few booming volleys from their thousands of arquebusiers to destroy the morale of the French army in Gascony.

The main reason for France's tech disadvantage is likely their high corruption. Like I said earlier, their nobility is mighty, which eventually led to this situation. A situation I happily take advantage of.

Now that most of populous northern provinces have been occupied, it's time to invade the south. However, the fortress in Brye NOW blocks me from going back the way I came.

*angry screeching*

KAN DU INTE PROGRAMMERA EN GOD SPEL? HELVETE FYTTA PARADOX

Rather than waste time taking Brye, Pierre's host will march through Burgundian heartlands and attack Bourbones, which will also allow them to reinforce Burgundians if need be.

Oh.

Nevermind, then, we're going somewhere else.

The Genevan army tries to retake Argonne but Pierre rudely interrupts their siege and takes thousands of prisoners.

guess I'm besieging Brye after all

The French are desperately trying to rebuild their army while Burgundy occupies more and more provinces. The nobles of Brittany calm down again, and this time I don't need to send them fruit baskets to appease them.

I'm pretty sure these random estate loyalty change events are gone in 2.02 and have been replaced by a system where estates look at their income and influence and get bitchy if it drops. It's far from a perfect system, but MUCH better than this random nonsense crap.

Apparently, the French think Brye was taken by a rogue warband of Spanish peasants.

Burgundy is besieging the fortresses of Peirigorc, Venice is besieging the old capital of Burgundy, Dijon, and the French seem to have built a crap ton of new forts in Southern France.

Denmark-Norway wants to take the wealthy port of Riga and declare war. Muscovy, who guarantees Livonian independence, declares war on Denmark. Poland-Lithuania, the ally of Denmark-Norway, then declares war on Muscovy.

What a lovely mess.

Oh, it really is a big mess. That's one intense famine.

A small detachment of Burgundians joins Pierre's army as it marches to relieve the siege of Tours. Peirigorc has fallen and the main Burgundian army continues going on the offensive instead of saving their former capital.

The army of Anjou is beaten, but not wiped out.

The small French army, though, IS wiped out.

Pierre de Rochefort really likes waving the white flag, doesn't he?

Trying to protect their southern lands from the enemy, the French built a total of 11 forts. Some of the forts were built in occupied terriory, which probably means construction was in progress when the Burgundians came. Or maybe the AI just helped their enemy by building castles in land they've occupied. Who knows.

Over the years, the vineyards of Dijon have accrued quite a substantial amount of wealth, which the Venetians happily take.

Pierre's Tour de France heads to the mountainous land of Auvergne next, which has substantial wealth and population. The Venetians try to take back Langres, and threaten to return a lot of captured land back to France unless the Double B alliance does something.

Jean Dubec-Crespin dies already and a new archbishop is needed. Now that his legitimacy has been greatly strengthened by Jean, Paol no longer needs a loyal archbishop and instead chooses a pious person who is as uncorrupt as possible. That should make people happy.

The new archbishop, Charles de Bourgdneuf de Cucé, the bishop of Saint-Malo, turns out to be unwaveringly loyal anyways. But unlike Jean, he is honourable, obeys the law and is a former ascetic Fransiscan monk, which indeed makes people very happy.

Oh, what's this? A peace offer from Venice?

The Venetians see how badly the war is going for their allies and decide to abandon ship before it's too late and they lose their army. This deal pleases both sides: Double B alliance no longer needs to worry about a strong army and Venice gets to go home with minimal losses and wagonloads of loot. Paol gladly accepts the offer.

Auvergne's brand new forts fall and the province is looted. The Breton army marches north next, to defeat one of the last enemy armies in the field and relieve a siege before it's too late.

Loys of Anjou surrenders and is taken prisoner along with the rest of his army. Only minimal casualties were suffered.

Time to retake Dijon, then!

Estonians take advantage of the war and rise up in revolt, aiming to kick out Muscovite scum who oppress their catholic faith.

Moscow has grown pretty big over the years. The countryside around the city suffers from a harsh famine, though.

Wow, there's a gangbang in India, with Bahmani sultanate being fucked from all sides.

Hmm, they are so weak that taking a trade city from them would be like taking candy from a child...

Burgundian provinces are retaken within weeks and the enemy barely has any soldiers left. Bahmanis go bankrupt, making me think that Bengal isn't the Mamluks of India, Bahmani is.

Perhaps it is time to make peace, so I can take advantage of their weakness.

You see, I got a free claim on Gova, because historical railroading FTW.

Unfortunately, Gova is not in the ideal trade node, as Konkan feeds to African east coast that is dominated by Kilwa while Ceylon feeds directly to South Africa, where I control 100% of trade. But by taking an Indian province, I can found the East India company and get a free merchant, who can then pull trade from Ceylon to South Africa.

Queen Berthe Visconti must be pretty pissed by this point. She's a vengeful person, too, and unlikely to forgive Paol for his deed.

Paol orders Pierre to halt all military actions and sends emissaries to the Queen, who resides in Toulouse. The terms are harsh, but they could be harsher. Brittany shall receive Bas-Poetou, bordergore around Burgundy shall be purged and their lands connected, Calais shall be given to them as well and war reparations paid to both.

Queen Berthe accepts the offer and swears to avenge the humiliation of France one day. Unless she plans to considerably improve the French military, her threats are meaningless.

In total, around 250,000 soldiers were lost during the war, either to battle, disease, desertion or other related things. Not only that, but the foe took heavy naval casualties. Scotland was completely unable to participate in the war due to a Burgundian blockade.

But was all this bloodshed worth it? HELL YES BABY LOOK AT ALL THAT CASH

1 2 4 4 D U C A T S B A B Y

Oh, and I also released Albret. They're catholic now, so might as well, you know?

i-it's not that I like them or a-anything. B-baka.

Albret is cute and requires my love and attention.

Albret best waifu, 10/10 would marry

Bas-Poetou, a heavily populated rural province that has long been desired by Breton Dukes and Princes, is finally taken. Apparently, the province is supposed to have a marketplace, which explains why it had 1 urban pop before.

But, uh, looks like accidentally the market place was sacked and destroyed during the fighting. Oops.

Despite peace, Pierre and his men get no rest and embark on an extremely long journey across the oceans.

Apparently the Burgundian nobility is displeased for some reason despite the war and its gains. Go figure.

Eh, I'm sure they can take care of any possible revolts that pop up. They don't need me.

Burgundy, for the first time in centuries, is now a single united state. Isn't it beautiful? I would've fixed bordergore more by giving Metz to them, but they didn't want it for some reason. Eh, whatever.

Riga has fallen and Estonia is being occupied by Polish-Lithuanian forces. The war is not going well for Russians.

Estonian separatists are not the only opportunists, but finns are as well. That's what you get for religious persecution, Muscovy.

Oh, I forgot, colonial nations have a unique government form called Viceroyalty. Here are its effects. That rural goods produced bonus is pretty dang neat.

shut up i'm not cheating i'm showcasing mechanics

And here's the worst effect a plague can have, Apolcalyptic Plagues. Even that only reduces income by 50%. You know, it's not very apocalyptic if half of the populace continues business as usual.

FUCK IT'S THAT POOP EMOJI AGAIN REEEEEEEEEEE

***TRIGGERED***

Plagues spread to Mesoamerica as well, hitting coastal states without mercy.

This leads to widespread disorder, which greatly boosts unrest. The missionary strength is probably supposed to help Yuropeans to convert the locals to christianity.

How's that Portuguese invasion going, I hear you ask? Well, guess.

BEST AI EVER

Ouch. War, bankruptcy and now famine? Bahmani is getting raped even harder than the Mamluks, which I thought was impossible.

As a foreigner, Paol has struggled to earn the trust of Bretons and is thus constantly under threat of usurpation and assassionation. This has made him paranoid to an unhealthy extreme, and he commences a small-scale purge in the court where a dozen people are convicted of heresy and executed, despite having been faithful christains just some weeks earlier. All of them had one thing in common: they whispered of a coup d'etat. Literally the word "coup d'etat", as they spoke French and refused to speak filthy peasant languages or Spanish.

fuuuuck the new EU4 patch has ruler cultures and religions... I NEED TO WRITE FASTER SO I CAN PLAY M&T 2.02

Pierre's army rests and resupplies in Jacques Cartier and prepare for an invasion.

Livonia surrenders and cedes an island and Riga to Denmark-Norway. Polish-Lithuanian occupiers of Estonia leave, allowing the rebels to take their place.

My army has arrived, but it would be foolish to declare war yet as Travanacore has occupied all coastal Bahmani provinces, including Goa. Looks like it's time to wait.

I unlock the last naval quality idea and get huge bonuses, not that it matters as the bahmani navy... well, it simply doesn't exist anymore.

Riots have broken out in the Canarian islands, making Paol consider giving the natives back their autonomy. Francois' integration project was a failure, and Paol has no troops to quell the rebellion with.

And so, the locals rejoice as Paol orders his governor to return and grants the title of Count of Canarias to a local wealthy and respected landowner.

Acaimo ascends to the throne. His nation can take full advantage of Breton technology and innovations which were brought to the isles.

Aww, Albret already loves me, and I like them too thanks to their catholicism.

The fort built by the French will be very useful in keeping this province safe from the Frenchmen.

Once Europeans reach India, the locals can get an event where they receive a free Foreign Trading post, giving very nice trade power bonuses. However, after some time the Europeans can get the province for free, so it's a risk vs. reward thing.

Kozhikode is the center of all trade in the Indian ocean, so of course Breton merchant take advantage of this by building a small fort nearby and buying valuable products from the inhabitants.

Not only do I have a claim on the province, but the Chaldean minority has become a majority, meaning Paol has a religious cause for this war. They might be heretics, but at least they're not heathens or pagans. All worshippers of God and Christ deserve to be protected by a Christain sovereign, especially if that provides a good cause for war and conquest. Well, not especially but exclusively.

Finally! Travanacore makes peace with Bahmani! They almost gave Gova to them, but thankfully kept it.

A bankrupt nation giving 670 ducats? Who the fuck is willing to give so many loans to a nation fucked by war and famine?

Paol orders Pierre to attack and secure the province, and if need be to go on the offensive and force the heathen Sultan to cede the christian lands.

The local garrison is demoralized, but manages to hold out for two months nevertheless.

...wow, they literally have 0 soldiers. Never seen that happen to such a large country before.

Also -3 stability. Poor Bahmanis.

Estonia declares independence and the local Baltic German nobles elect a mixed-blood Duke, Wilhelm Nurmsalu, who is half German and half Estonian. He promises to protect catholics from oppression.

Denmark-Norway immediately recognizes and guarantees their indepence. That's one way to troll Russians.

The Finnish separatists have lost their gains in their homeland, but while the Muscovite army is distracted in Finland they drive a truck towards Moscow.

heheh, siitäs saitte, helkkarin ryssät

Archbishop Charles holds a powerful speech in the SUPERCATHEDRAL of Nantes, saying that Paol may not have secular claim to the throne but he certainly has a divine claim, for God ensured he would ascend to the throne and save Brittany from rulerless anarchy and civil war and lead it to victory and glory. He is a Prince through the Grace of God, so shut your fucking mouths.

THIRTY TWO LEGITIMACY BITCHES

Before the Breton attack, Govà was governed by a corrupt man who used high taxes to make himself rich. But now he has been forced to flee and the locals welcome their new overlords, who will hopefully administer them better.

The local christians welcome them, that is. I'm sure the local muslims, hindus and jains would rather be ruled by a person whose religion they at least recognize. What is this whole catholicism thing, anyways? Do they engage in cannibalism by sharing flesh and blood and do they drown babies in shallow water?

First there's no famines in Europe for centuries, and then there's four famines within a few decades? For fuck's sake

That's probably caused by growing population, which has now reached high levels across Europe.

Pierre continues his offensive and besieges Konkan.

fun fact: Bahmani is as technologically advanced as France.

Wow, already? Huh. How did this happen?

Ah, Cologne got a center of art and intellect, and from there the institution quickly spread to Brugge. That's excellent, as it quickens the spread of the institution greatly.

I think the mechanic should be adjusted so institutions only spawn in provinces with a center of art and intellect. Would ensure that they spread at a decent rate.

Bretons, too, are embracing casual literacy as it becomes increasingly cheap, fashionable and presitigious to own a lot of books. And that's how the idea of filling your bookshelves with a bunch of fancy books (even if a bunch of them are just different copies of the same book) to impress your friends was born.

Not only that, but pamphlets and papers are printed en masse as well as bibles, of course. Paol plans to print several thousand copies of Breton and Gallo translations of the bible and then give them for free to his nobles, just to encourage them to abandon French, the tongue of the enemy.

Also note how Nantes has reached 100,000 population! WOOOHOOO

After Konkan falls, the depressed and miserable Bahmani sultan finally agrees to cede Gova. But because he didn't surrender it earlier, Pierre asks him to pay a hefty tribute.

After losing less than 4,000 soldiers, Pierre finally captures Gova. At last, the Bretons have a foothold in India.

Paol grants a charter to a group of merchants, giving them a monopoly on Indian trade and gives them the responsibility of governing Govà in his name.

And so, the Honourable East India Company is founded.

This decision costs you 200 ducats and gives you this modifier. For some penalties, you get a free merchant and a neat +15% trade power bonus abroad.

Finns, too, declare independence once again. They thought that Muscovites would protect them, but instead were persecuted by them. Looks like Finland must stand alone, surrounded by protestants and orthodox folks.

Hm? Estonia is independent? They're also catholic?They speak a similar language and share some cultural traits? Yeah we rivaled them. What? We should've allied with them? Pah, we prefer to be alone. Now, where did I put my vodka? It's time to celebrate independence from those damn slavic vodka-drinkers!

Oh, there's also a plague, but at this point plagues are so mild that it's not really worth covering them that much.

This time the plague spawned in Puola, which I showed earlier. If I hadn't shown it, you would've been like "huh? Puola? Where's that? *google searches* Why did the plague spawn in a small Croatian town?"

It also spawned in Danzig, but fails to spread far.

I send the merchant I got to transfer trade power from Ceylon to South Africa.

Now 1.25 ducats is being sent there, even if I only have 2% trade power. The potential profit from this is pretty insane.

This trade value arrives in South Africa, where it merges with trade coming from African East Coast. All of this cash goes straight to the coast of Guinea.

Then from there, it merges with trade value from the Africans and goes to the Bay of Biscay, where it finally reaches Nantes and the Princely coffers.

Poor natives, almost all of this trade is being sucked away, leaving the local kingdoms to barely make any profit from commerce.

Govà is called Goa by Bretons and its capital is named Gwenneg de Rostrenen, which was the name of the most famous Breton explorer who was the first European to reach India.

While Pierre and his army is resting in Benin, a terrible thing occurs: Pierre dies of a disease. The soldiers mourn losing such a great leader who led them from victory to victory.

Heh, just kidding that's propaganda from Paol. The soldiers don't care and many of them are new recruits anyways, as most veterans perished during the countless bloody sieges in the war with France.

The fleet finally arrives in Nantes and the soldiers bring the body of Pierre with them. And so a grand procession is held, both to mourn Pierre's passing and to celebrate his many victories. Banners and trophies taken from the French, the heretical Germans, the Africans and the Indians are all proudly carried and displayed to curious onlookers. In front of the SUPERCATHEDRAL, Paol holds an eulogy, praising Pierre for his deeds and thanking him for his service to the crown. Paol hired the best professional mourners and asked them to wail loudly. Then, Pierre's casket was carried to the Old Cathedral, where he was buried in the former resting place of Breton rulers.

Paol holds another speech soon after. He promises long peace and prosperity for Brittany and its people, and that he will rule wisely and punish those who threaten his new homeland, from outside or within. He finishes his speech with the famous phrase that later became an idiom, fanatically quoted by Breton nationalists of the 19th century: "Me zo brezhonek!"* Which means: "I am a Breton!" The hired applauders applauded him and those nobles who were not so impressed by his speech died mysteriously within months.

*note: the translation might be wrong because there's no good breton translators online

And so ends this tale, as a new era begins in Brittany. Paol would rule for decades and become known as Paol the Conqueror, and several statues of him would be erected in Nantes along with statues of Pierre de Kersauzon. But there would be no statues of Blois Dukes or Princes, for the Spanish rulers and their successors would continue to push anti-French propaganda, which reached its peak during the era on nationalism in the 19th century. And the Blois, of course, were fully French.

Yet, despite being disregarded and mocked by future Breton historians who downplayed their good deeds and emphasised their bad deeds, the Blois dynasty turned Brittany from a small Duchy into a Global Empire, a Princedom with a mighty navy whose independence would last unscathed until the Italian anarcho-syndicalist invasion during the Great War of the 20th century. Without them, Brittany would be a very different place. Perhaps it would be just a region within France, perhaps Breton would be a dying language, perhaps Nantes wouldn't even be in a Breton region but a French one. Maybe Portugal would've even reached India first instead of Brittany?

Who knows. History does not walk down a set path and often goes in unexpected ways. Even the smallest change can drastically transform the world. If the Blois had not ruled, if the Montfort had won the civil war all those years ago, countless things would've been different and it is impossible to know them all.

fuck i love how far away you can zoom out in eu4, every strategy game needs this

Here is all the world in 1583, and for once i'm not cheating by removing the terra incognita. Note that I have colored wastelands turned on so some nations (esp. in Africa) appear larger than they actually are.

Statistics time! Who doesnt' love some numbers arranged in a neat table?

Ming lost 2,23 million soldiers to attrition, and that probably barely hurt their manpower. When you rule China, manpower becomes irrelevant.

Jesus Christ, Spain, you managed to lose 670000 men to attrition? You fucking moron.

France is surprisingly low despite being a Great Power. Probably because the wars with Spain ended up being far less bloody than they could've been, and because France was in peace for so long.

Also because unlike Spain they didn't have a 30k stack standing in place and slowly dying of attrition.

Here are my provinces. Those with largest cities are in the top.

Nantes is by far the largest city, but Rennes also grew greatly within the last few decades. Gwenneg de Rostrenen is the largest overseas city.

Note how much money Bro Dreger is making. Who knew hemp could be so profitable? Oh, right, anyone who sells drugs. And rope, of course. That's what hemp is best for, not drugs. Yeah. Sure.

Here are the largest cities in the world! Yeah, it's no surprise Ming dominates the list. Paris would be there too, but unfortunately a bunch of Bretons came to visit recently.

And here are all the rulers of Brittany. Do you remember them all? Do you remember their deeds? Heck, do you remember anything?

If you have any favourite part, go ahead and tell about it in the comments. Although it's like choosing which turd smells the least.

Ah, pie charts. Who doesn't like pie charts?

Here you can see that Brittany produces a fuckload of fish.

In the description of the AAR, I said I was going to make Brittany into a Great Power. Well, I never was serious about that claim as I had no plans to blob and I wanted to play a tall game instead. Eh, I still managed to create a pan-continental colonial empire and build a massive fleet. That's good enough for me.

Like, shit, look at how much money I'm making from trade, and it would be easy to increase income even more thanks to India.

My true goal in this campaign was doing exactly this, repeating the success of Portugal and getting rich from Indian goods. And that goal has been accomplished.

Some more stats, because why the hell not.

7th largest navy? Heh, see? In a way Brittany is a great power, at least on the sea.

With 88 score, I will surely go down in the annals of history as the best EU4 player ever. Eat shit, Arumba and Florryworry.

M O R E S T A T S

Shit, Jeanne ruled for 42 years? Damn.

Also, what's that single lost war? I don't remember. Maybe I should re-read my own AAR...

Suck it, Navarre and Montfort. At least, I think those are the nations I killed off.

Jacques Cartier is my most legendary leader? Fuck off, he had 5 manouver. That's the opposite of legendary.

Constentin grandest province? I wish it didn't count rural population dammit. Constentin is a rural shithole crammed full of poor people. Nantes is the true crown jewel of the Principality.

It shall end how it began, with a screenshot of the peninsula.

Gentlemen, it has been an honour. Thank you for reading, updooting and leaving comments! Although about a fifth of the comments were "nice" and "very nice AAR" and "i liek this" I still enjoyed reading all of them. Special shout out to /u/General_Urist and his neat comments, I always liked them. May your beard grow long. Also stop fapping to weird porn.

This is my second AAR, and although it got less upvotes than the first one and was released over a shorter span of time, I had a somewhat consistent release schedule and had many more parts, and my upvote count remained surprisingly consistent instead of dropping over time. Therefore, I consider this a success! Perhaps one day I'll make another AAR. Who the fuck knows.

Now, if you excuse me, M&T 2.02 beckons me...