Death to the West - A Persian HPM AAR - Part 2

Author: ElvenAshwin
Published: 2017-02-06

Part of the campaign:

Death to the West - A Persian HPM AAR

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Game: Victoria 2

Death to the West... or so we\'ll try - a Persia AAR

Images: 28, author: ElvenAshwin, published: 2017-02-06

Welcome back to Persia
When we last left off, we had run out of people to invade and our Shah was crying over the lack of Chinese money.

That was in 1839 - over the last two years he's managed to get over it, and in the meantime Persia continued her modernization attempts.

In the west, the Oriental Crisis fires up, with France backing Egypt and Britain/Prussia backing the Ottoman Empire. We'd capitalize on this and attack the Ottomans, but they're allied to like 3 great powers.

Which isn't a problem of course, we could easily take on 3 great powers, if our people weren't dumb little fucks. The Shah is held back by the Persian people!
Damned Russians
The Russians invite our Shah to tea with the Czar, and ask for the right to open up a trading post in southern Persia. The Shah says yes, of course. Any chance to steal Russian state secrets is a chance worth taking!
Uh... thanks?
A messenger shows up at the court, volunteering to help teach our military men how to fight. We don't think this is necessary - whilst its true that they currently just use their guns as clubs and don't understand how to pull that trigger, the superior Persian build is easily able to overcome this issue.

Once again the strange messenger persuades the Shah by offering to sell some high-tech European weaponry. We ask the messenger from which great power he has come from - and apparently he is Greek.

Whilst this makes some members of the court suspicious, the Shah hasn't actually looked at a map before and vaguely recalls the Alexander the Great, and presumes that Greece must be some far off great power he hasn't had to time to learn about.
The French are coming!
France launches an invasion of Bosnia from their ally Austria
Slightly inconsistent here
"Yes, of course we back you"

"But... you're kind of letting French troops through your land to invade us"

"I don't understand what you mean."
No, not the Kurds!
The Kurds, them fiendish plotting types have thrown out our ambassadors! They have proclaimed the Kingdom of Bohtan, and unified under one banner. The Turkish Sultan, angered, declares war immediately.

Not wanting to miss out on a chance to have his people kill other people, the Shah tells our army to prepare
The Declaration of War!
The Shah can once again begin stroking his war boner, declaring war to secure rightful Persian land, and rushing in troops to occupy the territory before the Ottomans arrive.

Of course, we would take a bit more than "rightful Persian territory" but we are slightly terrified of the Ottomans coming after us.

Whilst Persia will one day march into constantinople and burn down the Ottoman Empire, now is not exactly the time.
Fucking Greeks
The Greeks leak out our military secrets! The Shah is furious, summons the Greek ambassador and asks to speak to their leader Alexander the Great.

He is promptly informed that Alexander has in fact been dead for 2100 years, and is shown a map. He flies into a rage as he realizes the "Great Power" of Greece is actually just some sad former Ottoman state.

We execute- I mean - kick out all members of the mission.

We somehow lose more technology than we originally gained from them, their stupid greek minds polluting the Persian intellect. And for a second we actually thought their theory that Gravity was a result of "Backwards Turks dragging everyone down with them" was solid science.

(On another note, the event says Great Power. Greece isn't a Great Power, why was it allowed to set up a mission)
Dead without a fight
Once again, our enemies tremble before us and refuse to engage, surrendering our rightful territory without ever fighting.

In reality that is sort of because they never had an army, but don't tell the Shah that, he is already feeling depressed as he no longer can be at war.
Join the Army!
The Persian army is at an all time low. The Shah is confused as to why this is the case - the Army gives each and every soldier enough pay to reach roughly 50% of the poverty line. Why on earth would they complain about such luxurious provisions, we don't know.
Beat the Drums of War
With one war over, the Shah needs another fix. He takes to opium for the time being, but begins to propose the either of an invasion of a Baluchi state known as Kalat - an Afghan ally.

This way he gets to satisfy his two greatest addictions - war, and kicking Afghans.
Well, you've improved
Whilst the Shah has become more discreet, he still gets caught this time. It happened when a foreign dignatory came over for dinner and he joked about "Baluchi skulls on a pike outside the palace".

Apparently, westerners don't appreciate that kind of talk, and accuse him of oppressing the Baluchi minority.

This doesn't make sense - the sole reason Allah created minorities was for us to oppress. Why else does he still let the Sunnis exist?
Funding the army
As is tradition, we confiscate books and students, and sell them at our local market place in order to fund the purchase of weaponry. Its a pity how much of our students end up in the slave trade, but as the Shah always says, it builds character
The Stage is Set
Our armies have been positioned in just the right way to pin down the enemy, under the guidance of the Glorious Shah('s advisors).
Surround and destroy
We begin moving into southern Afghanistan, to prevent the Afghans from reinforcing Kalat.
We move a separate force to siege down Kalat whilst we keep the Afghans split away.

Since the last war, the Kalat army has been nonexistent. It appears that the Persian soldiers killed every last Baluchi man capable of fighting. This is bad, because it means that when we take them, we can't add their troops to our great army.

The Shah suggests we just enslave all of them, an idea which is met with applause. After all, they're both a minority and Sunni, which puts them just below the Russians in terms of the value of their individual lives.
The armies have gathered
The Afghans raise a 40 000 strong army of cavemen, goatfuckers and rapists, and begin to march on our position in the mountains.

The Shah laughs at this idea - everyone knows you can't win a battle in the mountains
We've got top men on it. TOP MEN
We put our best general in charge of the mountain army. Using magical General Voodoo, he teleports there at the expense of our national prestige. Apparently, General Voodoo is frowned upon in civilized societies. Or something like that.
-5? Hah, goodbye!
The Shah decides against reinforcing the defenders, they are certain to win.
Damn it
Or not. The Shah excuses his decision making, insisting that "They were hacking".
Attack!
The Shah now attempts to order everyone to attack the marauding Afghan army. In the mountains, with a crappy general as the last one is dead.He is prompty told by a general that he should perhaps avoid participating in military matters.

The general then instead circumvents the Afghan force and invade Afghanistan.
They grow weak and divided
The Afghan armies split, up, leaving them open to being mopped up by the Grand Armies of Persia.
3:10!
With the Shah now out of the war, the Generals see significant success, decimating the Persian forces.

Seeing how much fun the Generals are having, the Shah asks to plan one battle. A few of them protest, and today their heads make excellent decorations to the Shah's bedroom.
Thanks, Mohammad
It turns out the Shah isn't very good at military. He attacks an equal sized Afghan army. Except, of course, that the army retreating from the other battle joined up with it, heavily outnumbering the Persians and causing their defeat.
Retreat!
Whilst the Shah insists we let the battle go on "For the Glory of Persia", and that the superior Persian build will win it in the end, the commanders choose to retreat. They technically ended up hurting the Afghans more than themselves, making the battle not too bad overall.

The Shah, of course, is then praised for his wise decision in attacking an army that outnumbered him.
Fucking horse people
The two allied Khans go to war with each other. The Shah is now faced with a difficult decision - purple or grey? He decides that purple is better, because it matches his eyes and is closer to Persia itself. The Purple Khan can hence serve as a buffer against the Grey Khan.
Sure, bud
After sending off the Grey Ambassador, the Purple one shows up. The Shah agrees to join his war, in the hopes that the Grey horsemen never come south and "deal with themselves".
Sneakity Sneakity, Russians... creepity?
The Russians have begun creeping down south, their imperialist ambitions now threatening to the Shah.
The Persian Army is Victorious!
The Afghans offer to surrender as out armies march on their last remaining army in the mountains of Kandahar. Baluchistan has fallen! Well, half of it. Makran is still independent but hardly worth the infamy. (Speaking of which, Vicky's flat 22 infamy for the conquest of something is the stupidest mechanic to ever brace the earth)
Take that, Sunnis!
We immediately integrate Baluchistan into our economy. First stop: slave trade! Sunnis make great slaves, you see, because the body naturally recognizes that it follows an inferior religion and hence is more submissive.

At least thats what the Persian scholars told the Shah.
One step closer to Nader Shah
The Shah finally buys a map, and its overwhelmed by the beauty of his greater Persia. Perhaps one day the glory of the Afsharids will be restored, and he will receive praise the world over.
We sided with the wrong horse people
It seems that the Purple Khan is losing, and we begin to regret siding with him. In theory we could send help and easily crush the Kokandi resistance, but why would we sacrifice brave Persian men for Khanates we barely care about.

Unfortunately, the horse people have yet to take the hint that we don't actually care for them
But... you're losing
The Purple Khan appears to have smoked too much opium as he appears to think he's winning this war. Maybe he expects us to do something drastic, like help or something. The Shah knows betters than that.
Pay the teachers
With the war over, we resume paying the people running civilian life in Persia. The Shah is annoyed by this - why do the civilians and their lives matter? Wouldn't it be great if everyone was a soldier? Every man of course, women aren't people.

That way we could march across the world and conquer it all for the glory of Persia.

The advisors begin to encourage the Shah to reduce his opium intake.
Baaaaab
Some fool decides that he knows better than the country's top religious experts on the Koran. He proclaims himself a manifestation of god, a Prophet! He founds a new religion. Or school of thought, the Shah doesn't care.

How ridiculous! What kind of person takes an existing religion, proclaims himself of a Prophet of it an starts a new one? He is arrested for apostasy, which carries the death penalty.

Then again, in enlightened Persia, everything carries the death penalty.
Poor Purple Khan
The Purple Khan suffers additional setbacks. He also proceeds to thank us for our involvement in the war.

It appears that he doesn't actually notice the fact that we aren't involved. The Shah giggles and returns to his daily routine of masturbating to Nader Shah.
Magical Bab
It appears that the Bab is a magician! He manages to escape an execution, but the fool isn't smart enough to flee entirely.

The Shah claps, and gives him a tip for the amazing trick. He then has him executed for stupidity.
Damn imperialists
Worryingly, it appears that the Russians are slowly incorporating and centralizing their Caucasian territories. This is a set up to conflict if the Shah has ever seen one
Stop exhausting my people
Despite the fact that we aren't actually in this war, the people refuse to reduce their exhaustion of war due to the fact that we, by some technicality, are "in a state of war". Damn hippies and their inability to see our Shah's ploy.

We peace out the Grey Khan so we can get over with our lives.
Purple Falling
The Grey Khan emerges victorious, seizing the remainder of the Alay region. This also means they now have a border with us. The Shah snickers and begins to plot.
I'm not sure why this is here
The budget. I'm not sure what's relevant about it. In other news, the Shah is now paying teachers and intellectuals 100%, which means that they might be slightly over the poverty line!
Oh, Afghans
The Afghans in Kandahar, upset with how much more advanced Persian civilization is, rise up to spread their goatfuckery ways.
Military expansion
With more people finally joining the army, we get to chance to expand our military even further. For the Glory of the Shah
Um yes, death to the British
On the way to the palace, the Shah sees a British woman not wearing a hijab. He is outraged, proclaiming that the foreigners do not respect their customs and demands war with the Brits.

The Brits in turn laugh and return sipping their tea. The advisors conveniently forget to mail the declaration of war to the British.
Long live the Shah!
The Shah's heart has weakened after his outburst at the British, and the advisors want to calm him down. They host a massive celebration, inviting foreign dignatories. The Shah is annoyed that their none of their women are wearing hijabs, but they're attractive so he lets it slide.
Er, fuck.
The Shah vanishes mysteriously during the parade. It turns out that he hooked up with some Russian girl, and died of a heart attack whilst they spent "quality time reading the Koran".

It is no wonder the Shah was considered pious, the advisors say upon discovering his body. He had an erection from reading the Koran!

In other news, Naser al-Din ascends to the throne. He furthers Persia's modernization attempts, desperate to get with the times.

Long live the Shah
Russia is granted an embassy
The Russian girl that was with Shah Mohammad pays a visit to Naser al-Din's quarters to discuss diplomacy.

After three minutes the Shah emerges, announcing that he has been convinced to allow the Russians an embassy in Tehran. The Russian girl's diplomatic skills were apparently very great.
Sweet mother of tariff income
For some inexplicable reason, the Persian tariff income has shot through the roof, allowing the government to double the salary of the military men whilst paying our educators too! Truly a sign that the Shah is blessed.
Dutch ports
A friendly dutch emissary shows up to discuss the possibility of allowing the dutch in their ports. The Shah agrees, because seriously why the hell would you pick the other option when you can steal dutch state secrets this way.
Tariff income collapses
Clearly, as a result of those dastardly foreigners, Persia's tariff income collapses. Perhaps the dutch are smuggling in goods that aren't hit by our ridiculous tariffs? How disgusting of them, now are people might get fed!
Um what
I could've sworn this event fired already.

But anyway, Praise to the Shah! He's twice as silver
More pew pews > less pew pews
In order to celebrate his Silverness, the Shah expands the Persian military further. Maybe now we might be able to fight a war with anyone besides the weakest of states.
Fuck you, neighbor
With his bigger military, the Shah now wants to test it out. He invites the Kokand Khan to dinner, and then tells him to fuck himself, thus screwing relations over sufficiently for the Shah to convince everyone to go to wa with them.
Para bellum
As the Shah's diplomats struggle to placate the angry Kokand Khan, the Shah announces that several Persian soldiers at the border with the Khanate have been shot! The Grey Khan has gone too far!
God damnit
Russian officials arrive at the border, and capture who they think are the Kokkand soldiers attacking the Persians. They immediately realize that the soldiers are actually Persian themselves, in a false flag operation.

Except, not really, as the Shah forgot to tell them to change their uniforms. It appears that he is just as bad as his father at this.
We're ready
Nonetheless, the local Persians buy the excuse, allowing the Shah to proceed.
The Shah declares War!
... unfortunately, however, he also forgot to start buying weapons and food for his soldiers. Nonetheless, he insists they go on and fight, and that he'll deliver the weapons "later".
What is this?
Persia acquires its first ever microscope! With this, Persian scholars realize that diseases are actually caused by bacteria, not curses from Allah, greatly advancing the field of science in the realm. The Shah considers buying a second one, but he doesn't want to bankrupt the state.
Oppressors of Muslims!
The Russians continue to oppress Muslims in the Caucasus. Nur al-Din doesn't know when, but one day Persia will free them from the Russian imperialists. It will be Persian troops who march into St Petersburg and destroy the Russian Empire!

The drugs then wear off and he returns to worrying about whether the treasury has enough money for his next meal, having spent most of it on a prostitute.
Stabbity stabbity
Our great, mighty persian armies march in with next to no resistance. This war will be over before we know it! The Shah laughs at his genius
Ah fuck.
There are some messages you never want to read. Amongst them is "The Russians are sieging your province"
Fuck.
The Shah flies into a rage. "How dare the fucking Russians, with their blatant fucking imperialism, intervene in my fucking righteous wars!"

The Russians have been their to fuck over Persia at every step! Only decades before this they robbed us of the caucasus!

Now the, Russian bear is back, and his troops are pouring into Persia once again. It is time we stand, men of Persia, against the imperialists from the west!

Join us next time to see us righteously defend Persia against the Russian beasts!

Haha, kidding
Join us next time to see us getting fucked by Russians!

Next chapter:

Game: Victoria 2

Death to the West - A Persian HPM AAR - Part 3

Images: 55, author: ElvenAshwin, published: 2017-02-06

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