MEIOU&Taxes 2.0 Brittany AAR/Mod Showcase -- Part 14: French Civil War

Author: Findan
Published: 2017-10-27, edited: 2017-10-27
Rather Death Than Dishonor -- Europa Universalis IV AAR with MEIOU & Taxes 2.0 modification

Follow a lone man's epic quest to make Brittany a great power and learn a thing or two about the freaking amazing mod MEIOU & Taxes.

About the AAR in general:
- Read with vertical scrolling on, contains lots of text
-"""comedic""" and historical
- narrative, roleplay, gameplay
- Mostly screenshots instead of photos or paintings
- Some crude language
- Lengthy explanations of M&T mechanics
- Advice for new players of M&T
- The writer isn't a native speaker
- How i do talk england?

Part of the campaign:

MEIOU&Taxes 2.0 Brittany AAR/Mod Showcase

Previous part:

Game: Europa Universalis IV

MEIOU&Taxes 2.0 Brittany AAR/Mod Showcase -- Part 13: The Rape of Aquitaine

Images: 94, author: Findan, published: 2017-10-19

Drumroll please!

The nation that asked me to support their independence last part was...


oh wait you already saw that from the image above nevermind
I of course approve their request, for England is my city I mean my enemy. And I'm not the only one to do so, Burgundy is supporting their independence as well.

The Portugese nobility have become increasingly disgruntled at their union with England. Their foreign king's enemies have looted and pillaged their country, land has been lost to Castile and high-ranking government positions are reserved only for English aristocrats. The nobles are now conspiring to revolt, possibly with the support of England's enemies.
Religious tensions within Brittany continue to increase as the corruption of the church is openly criticized and the critics are blamed of heresy. Jane tries to calm both sides down to her best ability.
Seahawks idea is supposed to unlock timber trading but it did nothing, probably because no one else has unlocked timber trade yet so there's no trading partners. Or maybe the system just doesn't work, I dunno.
Ah shit.

Like an idiot, I let the noble loyalty stay at 33%, and now this dreadful event happened and the nobles are disloyal.

Thankfully in this version estate disloyalty isn't too bad. In the future disloyal estates will be able to raise armies and come fuck you up.
The nobility of Brittany loudly complain at the Estates this year and the meeting almost turns into a brawl. Anger erupts about burgher tax reliefs, expensive and unprofitable wars, the pouring of hundreds of gold coins into a dumb SUPERCATHEDRAL and religious tensions. Threats begin to be flung at Jane and the nobles supporting her.

The Estates would not convene again for five years.
I lost no stability, thankfully, but every province controlled by the Greater Nobles (i.e. every province except for Saint-Malo) got this somewhat nasty modifier.
We won't be able to do anything about it for the next five years. The only thing we can do is revoke privileges, but that can make the loyalty drop even further. Because Brittany is such a small country, I need the free extra soldiers of nobility just in case and thus need to keep loyalty high. The only reason why I didn't do that is my idiocy.
Jane repays the loans owed by the duchy.

So I guess they won't need that independence guarantee after all...

Not sure what happened, maybe England chose to abandon the union?

After the King of England tried to increase his power in Portugal, the line was crossed and the nobility revolted. The royal governor was killed and the King's cousin was imprisoned. Instead of sending a military expedition to punish the rebels, the King of England decided to make a treaty with the Portugese and grant them independence, and in return his cousin returned safely to London.

One of the rebels, Luis, the Grand Master of the Order of Aviz, is given the crown of Portugal. Thus begins the rule of the Aviz dynasty.

Also, we've reached the vanilla start date! Hooray!
Franciscans continue to gain popularity in Brittany. They preach that wealth and greed brought the plague to punish the decadent sinners and many are so impressed they sell their property, dig up some rags from the garbage dump and become professional beggars I mean Franciscan monks.
There are natural disasters in the mod as well, but they're so rare and ineffective that they don't really matter.

There are floods on the western coast of England and the isle of Mann. There's not much infrastructure in the area that could've been damaged by it, but presumably some sheep and some welshmen, not willing to let go of their woolly wives, drowned.
I hadn't actually looked at King Louis before, and turns out he's quite an interesting character. Louis the Wise, a virgin philosopher warrior king, who quotes classical works when holding speeches for soldiers and loves books more than women.

Hold on, was he blaming his wife for being infertile when he's the one who can't get his donger solid? What a lying cunt.
More railroaded history stuff happening in Florence. The de Medici family continues to grow in power.
A medieval singe-party totalitarian state. Cool.

Also note that Florence is a tech beast with 16/15/16 tech. Like I've said before, playing tall is more than viable in M&T.
Oh noes, the turks are about to turn some knights into kebabs. Let's see if the disaster of 1480 ( will happen in this timeline.

"Casualties and losses:
Ottoman Empire: Knights Hospitaller:
9000 killed and 15000 wounded Few"

more stability yay
The reform desire keeps growing at a steady, if somewhat ahistorically quick, pace.

I just realized there hasn't been a church council in a while. People probably got tired of repeated failure.
Look at that big, juicy and tasty famine in Central Asia. Now I only want one to happen in Europe.

Get it? Big, juicy and tasty lack of food? An oxymoron? Ain't that hilarious?

Maybe I resort to cheap sex humour because I can't come up with proper jokes.
Another one in Borneo, pretty bad.

It's not looking good for the Ottos and their allies...


For once, the pope is only loyal to himself instead of some distant king.
Oh come on Castile, not you too!

Because of the lack of male heirs, Felipe's crown is likely to be inherited by his daughter. Outraged by his wife's inability to pump out babies with tiny penises, he files for divorce.

Jane, once again, asks the Pope to not break the supposedly eternal union between a man and a woman.
The Pope lets Jane's letter sit on the table while he writes a paper where he excommunicates the ruler of Milan. Mostly because Milan is Papacy's political rival, but also because Duke Ottaviano is known to be a cruel, decadent tyrant.
Having finished the indirect personal insult to Milan's Duke, the Pope sends a letter to Felipe and Jane where he declares the marriage valid. House of Blois avoids humiliation this time.
For once this event pops up after a proper excommunication.
The ruler of Florence has claimed the title of Grand Duke of Tuscany, and because Florence and Papacy share the common enemy of Milan the Pope willingly grants this title to him. Also because the Medici bribed them a little but shush that didn't happen.

After Paris got hit by the plague, Florence has become the largest city in Europe. It is also a regional centre of art and an important centre of both trade and production.


uh, what? No, I don't support the alt-right or meme-right or whatever it's called. It's just a historical meme making fun of religious zealotry. No, I don't browse 4chan. I'm not even american, leave me alone! I just wanted to say a funny phrase, it wasn't politically charged! Leave me alone! LEAVE ME ALOOOOONNNEEE

keep my memes politics-free you muricunts
Poland declares war on the weak and battered Bohemia, wanting to claim a piece of land from the HRE.

I warn you, Bohemia will become the Mamluks of Europe. Like they usually do.
King Louis is heirless again, and he's getting pretty old. I wonder what will happen...
One or two masts? Hah, barbarian simpletons. Look at me. I have THREE motherfucking masts. That's right.

Four more diplo techs to go bitches, colonization here I come
The portugese provinces seized by Castile remain fairly autonomous, with their council ruling mostly on their own.

Castile gets these modifiers in taken portugese provinces, but I'm not sure if this mechanic appears elsewhere. Also, not sure what its effects are as they're not shown. It's intended to represent the historical Cortes of Spain.
Francois is not an alcoholic, so Jane's surprise was great when a chamber maid told her about what he had done: ran around naked in the streets of Nantes, as drunk as a lord, loudly complaining about the street plan of the city and the poor condition of its roads and buildings, at night when everyone was asleep.

Jane is furious for his christian son's unchristian behavior, and scolds him in front of her court like a mother would scold her young son. But because Francois is over 40 years old it's extra embarrassing, mildly put. The court makes fun of him for the next half a year, and continues to remind him of the event afterwards.

Francois, in turn, is furious about the public humiliation by his mother. Why didn't she do it behind closed doors in privacy? Why is that old hag still running the duchy anyways?
Guess who's laughing now? Allahu akhbar, kafir! How does it feel like to have a metal rod rammed up your ass and through your body? Oh wait you can't answer that because you've been roasted over a fire. My bad. Well, at least your meat will be delicious.
Castile declares war on the crown of Aragon, which rules over Navarre, without inviting me. How rude.

However, this war won't be a cakewalk as Burgundy is allied with Aragon and comes to their aid.
Milan is no longer excommunicated as a new Duke rises to the throne.
As Jane is getting old, she starts thinking about what adjustments she could make to her testament. She decides that the church will inherit some ducal land after her death.

Francois' anger grows. The religious hag just gave away some land he would've inherited in the near future, land that will be very difficult to ever get back from the church.
As a reminder, here are the immediate effects of donating land. In addition, your church influence will grow and its effects (both negative and positive) get stronger.
After much of Sulio's family died of the plague, he became an alcoholic. In the December of 1448 he was found dead in his manor, surrounded by empty bottles, cups and barrels that had once been filled with wine.
The Iberian war seems to be in Castile's favour so far, but Burgundy has landed its big army in Navarre and the tide is about to turn.
Religious tensions in Albania continue. Naples has been trying to convert the local populace into catholicism, but the lords of Arbanon defy them foolishly.
The Castilian royal army is defeated. Now the tide turns, like I warned.
The Estates convene for the first time in half a decade and the nobles make peace with Jane. They know she will die soon anyways and hope her son Francois will prove to be a better ruler.
"selfless act of piety"? Um, Naples just forcefully converted them, silly.
The relations with the nobility remain strained, and Jane knows it's time to make some sacrifices to please them. She considers sending them the greatest fruit basket ever, but because she is planning to use the money on improving the port of Brest she thinks of something else.
She founds the Parlement of Brittany in Vannes, a court of justice designed to, among other things, to protect the ancient rights of Breton nobles.

This way she ensures the nobility that their privileges will be safe and that they will receive special treatment during legal disputes. Jane intends for it to also combat church corruption by having it handle matters concerning the clergy.
Suffice to say, this pleases the nobles greatly.
News of a large war in the east arrive: Naples, Tuscany and Venice have declared war on the alliance of Hungary, Bulgary I mean Bulgaria and Moldavia.
It is an unofficial holy war started by the zealot king of Naples Vincenzo. He seeks to expand the influence of the catholic church in the balkans and punish the Hungarians for allying with the heretic Tsar of Bulgaria.
Louis the Wise has died and Louis rises to the throne.

Why are people so uncreative with names?

But Louis' claim is not strong as he was adopted at the last moment by Louis. Some claimants begin to claim that the throne belongs to them, not him.

Jane is reminded of her own mortality by Louis' death and starts to make preparations. She goes on pilgrimage to Rome, letting Francois rule as regent for a while, and prays every morning, day and evening.
Trade is becoming increasingly important to Breton economy and its taxation fills the ducal coffers. This is mostly thanks to the large merchant fleet built and sponsored by Jane.
Francois, who at this point is afraid of becoming Prince Charles of Wales (the longest-serving heir apparent in British history), nevertheless remains optimistic and starts planning his future construction projects as Duke. He is certainly going to take inspiration from the renaissance style used in Italy.

Fun fact: Prince Charles is also interested in architecture and town planning, just like Francois.
Castile is not doing well, as Burgundy routs its army once again.
There's lots going on in this image. First of all, the Pope has once again excommunicated the Duke of Milan, this time for purely political reasons which angers many and is seen as evidence of church corruption. Rome keeps suffering from constant dynastic conflict and Thessalonike has been occupied by yet another claimant. The armies of Naples and her allies are invading Croatia, while Bungaria is besieging Neapolitan Albania.
The technology called "The Houfnice" unlocks an upgrade to the houfnice, the swivel gun.

For some reason I feel like they haven't put much effort into technology names and descriptions.
Jean de Plouec, the brand new bishop of Treguier, is not shy about having a mistress and children, even though the rules clearly state "wives, mistresses, female companions, maids, waifus and other related feminine partners are forbidden for bishops". The church does nothing, so Jane decides to step in.

At the Parlement, Jean is sentenced to be removed from his position and is replaced by Jean de Coetquis.


These are historical bishops of Treguier and even they are called fucking John. This isn't funny dammit.
Jane begins her last naval project, the major expansion of the harbour of Brest. The port is expanded with new docks, shipwrights are hired and logistics are improved. It will cost a lot but she feels like it will be worth it.
The Pope is dead once more and Naples is back in control of thr Holy See. The new Pope sanctions the holy war against Bulgary and thus pisses off the catholic king of Hungary.

Sanctions, I mean approves officially. That word can also mean "impose a sanction or penalty on". So it's a word with both negative and positive meaninings.

Fuck the english language.
Wait, what's this? A new grand master? But I thought you were dead!
That's right, the Knights are in Malta now. This is a cool little vanilla event.
The situation for Castile might seem bleak but they're not actually doing too badly. They have 42 positive warscore.

Meanwhile in France, a civil war erupts after months of growing tensions. Claimaints are seeking support, nobles are declaring independence and some conspire to assassinate the illegitimate King of France. These are the consequences of Louis the Wise's limp dick.

Yes, it took this long for civil war to happen in France, yet I still named the part after it. What else was I gonna name it? "Political History of Alternate Europe 1444-1457"?
A small army has gathered in Gapenses and seized the province. The conflict has officially begun.

i'm not gonna defend myself again. No, I am not anti-semitic.
I interrupt this AAR to bring you IRL political news.
Jane the Pious died in March 1451 Anno Domini, after eating a bad meal her old tummy couldn't handle. She was buried next to her husband Louis in the cathedral of Nantes, as she had wished. The church inherited one eigth of the ducal lands owned by her. Francois was crowned Duke in Rennes by the bishop and held a large celebration afterwards, but some of the fatter nobles thought it wasn't large enough.

Little does anyone know of Francois' plot. Why would anyone suspect him? Jane was already very old and there was clearly no need to assassinate her. Sure, if she had lived for a couple of years longer, which was likely as Jane was in great health, Francois' reign would've been shorter. But that's not enough of an reason to kill your own mother! It's not like he was angry at her about anything.

Queen Elizabeth of England, if I were you I'd keep an eye on Prince Charles.
Francois has big plans for Brittany and her cities. He has been waiting for this opportunity for decades.
However, despite being 47 years old, Francois has no legitimate children as he never married. Bastards, sure, but he didn't want to adopt them and experience what France is experiencing right now.
King Louis, also heirless, proposes a marriage between de Blois and de Valois. Another marriage is made with the house of Trastamara in Castile.
Another rebel army has gathered in Bordeaux, Burgundy is marching around in central Iberia and Castile is retaking occupied provinces. The fleets of Burgundy and Castile seem equal in strength and aren't interested in fighting each other.
Henri de Montauban, a French noble, leads a huge army to the gates of Paris and demands the king to surrender. He refuses the demand and Montauban's men begin digging moats around the walls and preparing firing positions for their cannons.

The French army marches north to rescue their King.
Not every irishman in the last province loyal to England is happy to bend the knee. If England leaves the separatists alone for long enough and Thomond gets the province, the Irish federations can become true organized monarchies.
oh nevermind
After a lengthy siege, Paris has fallen but the rebels discover that the King had escaped during one night. Frustrated, Montauban orders his army northward to loot and pillage the countryside.

The French army tries to retake their capital, King Louis among them.
Austria wants to take Prague and declares war. The Bohemians are already having a bad day, but now it gets even worse.
The Hungarian King, furious about the Pope being little more than a pawn of their enemy Naples, declares independence of the Hungarian church from the Vatican. The news shock all of Europe as Hungary is a large catholic kingdom, and many critics of the church admire the courage of the King of Hungary.

I'm not sure what this decision does. You can only use it when in conflict with the church for some reason. It doesn't disable curia mechanics, I don't think.
Francois wants to raise money for his future construction projects, and his advisors suggest selling meaningless but pompous titles to rich idiots. While Francois is aware the act might displease nobles, he knows he can just threaten to disband the parlement if they complain. And so he goes ahead and offers noble titles to burghers and wealthy landowners.

Baron: 5000€
Count: 10000€
Viscount: 20000€

Buy a fancy title during the first week and take advantage of this wonderful limited offer: 15% off the price! What are you waiting for? Become a noble before it's too late!
The Castilians chase Burgundy while the benny hill theme plays in the background. France has retaken both Paris and Vexin from the rebels but Picardie, one of the most populated and wealthy provinces in France besides Paris, is under siege.

Also, war dynamism has given Nafarroa back to Navarre.
The bishop of Rennes has recently been preaching fervently about joining the church today and spreading the word of God so they will receive salvation in the afterlife. Hundreds eagerly do what he says and join, as do 41 people who could've been drafted during war.

The prince-bishopric of Utrecht has been spreading rapidly while the Emperor in Bohemia has been preoccupied with other things. They've even taken Ommelanden from Aragon.
Francois begins his first project: expanding the market square in Nantes and renovating the building facades around it.

All those cost reductions basically negate the urban infrastructure cost penalty.
As the French army seems very reluctant to attack the rebels, I decide to raise my army upkeep so I can go help them if need be.
But just as I do that the French, to my great surprise, are brave for once and attack the rebel army of Montauban. Henri has more knights, many of them disgruntled nobles who want to dethrone Louis, but Antoine has more footmen and cannons.
Meanwhile in the south Castile makes peace with the King of Aragon and Navarre, taking some clay. Not much later they ally with Burgundy and pretend they didn't just hurl thousands of murderous men at each other.
The battle of Picardie is long and bloody, but in the end France stands victorious. The less cowardly Frenchies won in the end. But it was ultimately very costly for France as over 5000 French knights and mounted men at arms perished or were incapacitated.

The remnants of the rebel army retreat south only to be caught by an army of a French vassal. Henri surrenders and is later publicly executed in Paris, his head adorning a pike near the city gates. It doesn't do much to discourage other rebels.
Bishop Guillaume dies and is succeeded by Robert de la Riviere. Robert is a fanatical zealot loyal to the Pope, and preaches death to heretics. This doesn't exactly ease the religious tensions in Brittany.
In the east, Bulgary is not doing well. While Hungary has managed to push back the invaders, Bulgaria is on the verge of collapse.

Is this another prank, Castile? Are you REALLY giving me 4 ducats per month, or is this a ruse?

It's not a ruse?

Castile is interested in sponsoring us as they want to turn us to their side. France is their greatest and only enemy, which is why they have allied with Burgundy.

Francois doesn't promise anything to King Felipe but gladly takes the money.

Note how Castile has a royal marriage with Portugal and is thus unlikely to attack them.
Hungary has turned the tide in the north but it is too late. Bulgaria capitulates, cedes territory to Naples and suddenly accordion music begins playing as Serbia is free again.
Naval ideas: complete. Exploration ideas, here I come!
Francois still has no wife or heir. In desperation, he goes hunting for waifus and finds one good candidate in Albret.
Well, she's not actually a good candidate, but a candidate nonetheless, and the only one around. Isabeau de Courtenay is a young, zealous woman who only knows how to shuffle some papers around and not much else. But at least she can give birth to an heir.
Bishop Robert blames Francois of not being zealous enough and not donating enough to the church. The rest of the Breton clergy mostly agrees with him and a religious scandal erupts. Francois tries to alleviate things by donating a large sum to the church (it's not a bribe shut up) and somewhat succeeds.
The heretics at Toulouse take advantage of the chaos of civil war and form another army. Many priests, monks and inquisitors are tortured and some are even killed. The royal army hastily marches south to put down the heretic revolt.

Meanwhile in Brittany Francois sees his opportunity to take back what is rightfully his: the lands Jane had bequeathed to the church.
Robert refuses to cave in to his pressure and argues well at the meeting of the Estates. Francois has no other option than to take the lands by force, which he decides not to do in fear of angering everyone.
The greater nobles finally invest some of the huge amount of cash they're hoarding into infrastructure. Farm estates are expanded and a fishing port is built in Bro Roazhon.
The Franciscan order's Breton chapter has been involved in the worsening religious tensions in Brittany. They now have two factions calling each other vile heretic scum who need to be purged with hellfire. Unable to resolve their differences, they turn to their patron, Duke Francois.

Francois is not a fedora-wearing cynical atheist, but neither is he a religious fanatic like his mother. Realizing he's not exactly qualified to solve a religious dispute, he asks the Pope to solve the problem.
Bishop Robert dies surprisingly soon and is succeeded by Jacques d'Espinay-Durestal, Francois' old acquitance. He is more than happy to help Francois out during the difficult times and tries to bring an end to the religious scandal troubling him.
M̷̷̺̮̙͚̮̰͍͙͎͒̀̾̈́ ̢̪̪̘̘̮̝͙̋͊̀ͩ͋̈́͑̚͠O̩͖̦̖̖̖̦̻ͤ̽ ̤̘̝͍̫̿ͥ̈́̾ͦͨ̒ͮR̴͔ͣ̇̒͒͐̀̽ͩ ̢̮̼̱̲̲̹͓̋̈́̆͑͐̕E̩̱̥̦̜͇̳̻̊͌͂̄̍͐̈̚
The heretic army at Toulouse has been decimated and many of its supporters burned at the stake. But a new rebel army of nobles wishing more autonomy and a new king has risen, headed by Robert de Neufville.
Francois sees the profitability of controlling more trade in the Channel and thus expands the marketplace at Saint-Malo and gives the local burghers more rights regarding commerce.
Antoine's host destroys yet another rebel army. Meanwhile in Rome the Pope kicks the bucket and is replaced by a new Pope, this time loyal to France.
Commonwealth is slowly forming in the east. Also, look at all that unrest.
Francois remains without an heir, which concerns much of the upper class of Brittany. If Francois dies soon, both Castile and France can claim the duchy and have a fight about who it belongs to.
Still desperate to have a child (as Isabel hasn't become pregnant), Francois requests a royal marriage with the ruling dynasty of Portugal, the Aviz.
Ominously, a star falls during one night, briefy painting a bright streak across the sky. Everyone sees it as an omen, but none can say whether it is an ill one or a good one.

Francois seems confident that the event was "Very good!".
But it was not good at all.
Apparently England thinks we're no longer a worthy rival to them.
Francois isn't just crazy about infrastructure projects, but also continues his mother's project of expanding the navy of Brittany. Another merchant vessel is built in the harbour of Brest.

Look at how much faster it is to build in Brest.
There is unrest throughout France and Antoine is forced to continue playing a bloody game of whack-a-mole.
Jacques decides to resign after a small scandal involving him and his female companion. He is succeeded by Michel Guibé, who is rumoured to be a supporter of calixtinians.
At last, in 1456, Isabel gives birth to a beautiful little boy named JEAN? WHAT THE FUCK STOP THIS IS NO LONGER FUNNY I'VE HAD ENOUGH JOHNS ALREADY AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
A beautiful little boy named Artur. Francois was already considering a divorce because his wife seemed barren, but turns out everything was alright.
The game of whack-a-mole is interrupted as the mole whacks Antoine. For some reason France reduced its army in size to an army of 5000, attacked the rebels and lost.

Amaury Desmarets celebrates his victory and forms plans to become the next King of France. He might not have much legitimacy, but neither does Louis so it's alright.
Isabel might only know how to shuffle papers and make offensive comments about heathens and heretics, but Francois still appreciates her help with shuffling papers.
Hey we can now see Ethiopia, the best African nation!
And also Great Sperm, which has been cut in half by the White Horde.
The Franciscans have solved their dispute and are now expanding with Francois' support. He's not a huge fan of them, but feels like he needs religious allies in his home duchy, just in case.
Amaury Desmarets loots and pillages Gavaudan for shits and giggles while the French try to retake the fortress at Langres.
Hmm I wonder how I could give the Irish back that last provi-- HOLY SHIT WHOAH

That's honestly what I was thinking when this happened. What a freaky coincidence.

The King of England, now that he does not care about those weak and pathetic Bretons unworthy of rivalry, decides to retake the Lordship of Ireland and punish the foolish rebels by making them starve. The English love making Irish starve. It's their #2 Sport after football hooliganism. But Francois will do everything he can to stop them. Or, well, he'll let his soldiers do everything they can while he focuses on planning his next building project.

This part is already really long so let's end at a cliffhanger. I fucking love cliffhangers. Don't you?

Next chapter:

Game: Europa Universalis IV

MEIOU&Taxes 2.0 Brittany AAR/Mod Showcase -- Part 15: Defence of Ireland

Images: 118, author: Findan, published: 2017-11-04

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