The Reds: A Dithmarschen AAR

Author: Yoper101
Published: 2017-02-02

Part of the campaign:

The Reds: A Dithmarschen AAR

The Goal
I've not done an achievement run in EU4 for quite some time now, so I've decided to give An Early Reich a try. To do this, I'll be playing as everyone's favourite proto-communist peasant republic, Dithmarschen.

Now for those of you who don't know, the word proto-communist is a combination of the two words proton and communist.
Matters start off slowly for me, but across the rest of the world, the action is heating up. The Ottomans take on Hungary seven-hundred years earlier than they did historically.
And the Von Hapsburgs have been busy in the bedchamber, as one would expect from the most scandalous family in the world.
I see a chance to get around all the alliances that formed up in the north, and I jump on it.
Wow, we actually get a stackwipe. Relying on this tactic to defeat one's enemies is very risky, as Adolf Hitler can attest to. Or not, because he's a mute.
The Ottomans won the war, but Venice got the prize.
Since we are only proto-communists, we have failed to fully seize the means of production. This has made the universe throw a rock at us.
Side note: there are no proto-communits on Earth today, because they are constantly traveling away from us. This is due to a scientific phenomenon known as red shift.
The renesance starts in Verona. Verona's main claim to fame is as the location of the well known Shakespear play 'Richard III'.
I love the smell of agressive expansion in the morning. It tastes nice spread on toast.
The Emperor is claiming that war is illegal. How about I claim his marriage is illegal, what'll he do then? Marry someone who is not his nephew?
Battle Pope episode one: The holy phantom
Denmark has WARNED us. I think they must've invented the computer early, because their caps-lock key is stuck on.
Luneburg looks like it needs its proto-proletariat to be freed from its proto-bourgeois with a not-proto-war.
While I sit here worrying about that WARNING, have another side note: If you're wondering where all the proto-communists went, look no further than Mars. Nasa doesn't want to go there because the only life they can find up there is red.
I found another hole in the alliance network to exploit. Things are looking up for my nation of sentient astrophysical phenomenons.
We become a plutocracy, because once everyone is equal, no-one will be.
My people have gathered so many ducats that they are beginning to subsist off them. It is at this stage that most civilisations would have declared Capitalism and stopped letting poor people join the Government, but not here. Proto-communism stipulates that all people are equal*.

*For the purposes of this statement, Jews, women, black people, Indian people, Asian people, American natives, Pacific island natives and Jews are not considered people.
Hey, its Coptic Armenia! They aren't people either, but Ottomans are even less people, and they oppressed the Armenians, so we're being nice to Armenia for now.
The Rene Sauce is spreading quickly, covering the land in its green, marble flavoured goodness. The reason most people don't notice this in the modern world is because the Rene Sauce is the same colour as grass.
The sub-atomic particles of Dithmarschen have jumped into the congealing pools of Rene Sauce and it has granted them great wisdom. And glow-in-the-dark skin. This is probably good.
Brandenburg is on my side and more importantly, Austria is not. It's time to exploit another loophole and go for Hamburg, where, contrary to popular belief, the hamburger was not invented.
Wow, Austria lost to Genoa. Probably because Genoa is allied to France; a treaty that continues down to this day and is remembered as the longest alliance in history.
Battle Pope episode 2: Attack of the Deacon
Well, Munster won't give me Hamburg. Probably because I forgot to get a claim on it before the war. Oh well.
I ate all their money and alliances instead.
Lubek got the same treatment. They kicked and screamed all the way through, but in the end, I was able to extract their failing trade league and make holla holla ducats out of it.
And I plain old ate Breman. That is why the Bremen are all extinct today. The proto-communists are cannibles.
Side note: Joseph Stalin was the first to discover that proto-communists are cannibals. That is why he killed them all in the late 2130's. That is also why the Soviets are not true communists. They only adopted the red.
The world is not happy about my cannibalism. I must be careful not to sneeze, or a co-coalition* might form.

*That is what auto-correct corrected it to. I'm not complaining.
Well, the Ottomans won big just by sitting on their fat green arses. Circassia and Theodero are both vassals of Crimea too.
England is ruled by the De Avis family. So is Castile. I smell the brewing of a super-colonial nation. One that not only discovered the brew, but drank it also. And the brew is TEA.
And the Pope finally gave us a cardinal! Jokes on him though; he's only gonna be burned at the stake when the Protestants rise up.
Why are there nobles in my glorious communist nation?
We made an explody thing. It administers death in equal amounts to our enemies. And our allies. And the men firing the darn thing.
Time for Hamburg to die.
Or not. Ty based paradox.
Killing Hamburg 2, electric boogaloo. Side note: The electric boogaloo was invented by Nickola Tesla. He danced it for his first and only time when he touched one of Edison's DC power cables to prove that they were unsafe*.

*This is in no way related to Tesla dying mere seconds after performing the dance. This footnote is brought to you by Con Eddison.
The end, for now
Ahhh... look at that lovely toothpaste colour. And I didn't even need to fight Aragon for it.

I think I'll leave you all here for now, and in the words of Winston Churchill; 'Who are you? How did you get into my coffin?'

Next chapter:

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The Reds Part 2: A Dithmarschen AAR

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