Utter Frenchness - Part 6

Published: 2019-01-28, edited: 2019-01-28
Civilization VI played badly on a large map with a childish stereotype of a French approach to life guiding the decisions.

Part 5 - An odd, in-betweeny episode in which a lot of little things happen. If this is your favourite episode you're a pervert.

Part of the campaign:

Utter Frenchness

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Game: Civilization VI, Sid Meier's

Utter Frenchness - Part 5

Images: 54, author: SavageRoderick, published: 2019-01-27

I've been having some ibérico ham to celebrate France's conquest of Spain. I'm loathe to admit it - I've become fond of the French - but Spanish ham is much better than pâté. Its actually one of the main reasons I oppose Brexit.
If only bits of England were in continental Europe. My ham supply probably wouldn't be threatened.
France really was looking healthy in 410BC. With Carcassone working on the country's third campus there was nothing to fear technology-wise and everyone was awash with amenities. Wine, fruit juice, sculpture materials and jewellery flowed freely.
The Spanish were being resettled, first in Cornwall on the basis of the Famous Jean Reno's reports that Vicky hadn't had any luck there.
And also in Africa on the basis of the Jean Reno's report that there was a sign there that said 'Le France'.
A very off-brand charm offensive was begun on Mad Phil, resulting in open borders and the revelation that he was 'Nuke Happy', which seemed premature.
The rest of Spain was being turned into a cash pinata, with markets being built in Madrid and Valencia.
Understandably, Vicky wasn't altogether happy about the French settling of Cornwall.
Luckily she'd worked something out with Trajan and didn't seem to be very focused.
She came over for a chat after the foundation of Algiers too, although she may have merely forgotten she'd just been round.
It began to look as if only part of Algerie were Le France when the garrison went exploring and got hacked to pieces.
Veterans of the second Spanish war were sent to Tintagel in case Vicky happened to sharpen up and realise the French really were taking the piss.
Norway denounced Rome and the garrison of Fort Du Francais went to see what Trajan was up to. Even though Italy was quiet, an idle Rome and probably soon to be annoyed England meant France needed more troops.
The French scouts originally hired to see what would happen after Stoke-upon-Trent was founded had been exploring Scythia.
Just as the edge of the map was discovered, Russia declared war on Scythia and they had to hurry back the way they'd come to have a look.
Cleo dropped in too but the French couldn't be bothered trying to guess why.
Some confusing news comes through vis-a-vis TSL and the Romans get to hear Bean quote Wordsworth just like the French did back in the Stone Age.
At this point the older population of Fort Du Francais began to say that they'd always said you should never trust someone who lives South of you.
Some slightly odd intelligence from slightly oddly named (given the gendered nature of their profession) lady-in-waiting Severin.
Its not.
This was clarified just in time for the likely source to reveal himself. A queue formed.
Philip could probably be ignored and Harald had only wanted some therapy but Saladin's mention of God caught the Frenchs' attention. Since the fall of Spain they'd been siphoning of of Phil's faith and using it to fill soft furnishings.
As if on cue, a fellow called Iremaes let himself in and suggested they the use feathers from some of those Frankenstein-looking ducks in Rouen for the cushions. If they did, he could really make religion happen for France. Bemused but assenting nods and shrugs were exchanged and the French signed the paperwork.
Judaism persisted in Lisbon, Phil's house and over in Africa but Frenchness took hold in the bigger cities. The tenets involved singing and the option to not take it too seriously.
Saladin wasn't impressed. He seemed quite rude but, the French had to admit, he was quite good at being quite rude.
As the French had suspected, suddenly having a religion didn't solve all their problems. They turned their attention elsewhere.
Not a lot was going on in the Russo-Scythian war and Peter and Tomyris made peace shortly.
The Romans were hovering ominously on the other side of France's Belgian ally.
The English looked as if they were up to something and it seemed someone else in court had taken the initiative.
Trajan had more troops in the North of Italy.
And then the sneaky lost member of Blur persuaded the Belgians to go neutral.
The French cities were all producing troops apart from Marseille which had opted for a big statue by the sea. They never were the most practical in the South.
Cleo seemed to feel the darkening mood too.
Then something interesting was spotted North of (and in relation to) Stoke-upon-Trent.
Vicky always wants to know where her next plate of acorn-fed ham is coming from.
It began to seem as if she liked this side of the Channel.
Finding they already had an open borders deal with her, the French offered Vicky formal friendship. Regrettably, she was completely out of her tree. Nothing came of the meeting.
On the whole the situation had worked out acceptably for the French.
The Ket Queen's mad settling made it less likely Trajan would attack France and more likely he'd attack England and give the French the option to get involved if they felt like it and if it was after lunchtime.
Instead, Trajan attacked Gorgo. The French war correspondents were on the scene right away. Since the Greek sex monster was the only leader the French were still on good terms with and because they were impressed by the sheer extent to which she'd destroyed Harald's confidence, the French gave her open borders.
The French winced when she reached out even though they had initiated the handshake. Suggesting an unexpected naivety, Gorgo didn't seem to know why.
The fighting in the Balkans was heating up already.
And the French scouts were getting some great shots, wearing their shirts with loads of buttons open and looking very artsy.
The French now had so much land that it didn't fit on one map.
Paris was by some distance the biggest city in the known world. With its theatre it was even starting to get a bit gay. The rest of France was doing well too.
The Southern Mediterranean, with Marseille cracking on with the Colossus. Quite what Phil has planned for that settler remains to be seen and, when it is, will probably look really mad.
The East as explored by the war correspondents. Lets call them Jean and Jean-Claude. That's French enough.

Where did the narrative direction go? Will the French just hang around looking at things from now on? Is this just about Gorgo now? If so can some photographs of Harald's savaged genitals be included?

No to all of the above. More Utter Frenchness will follow.

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Images: 39, author: Yoper101, published: 2017-02-02, edited: 1970-01-01