Brazil Vic2 HPM AAR: The Dream

Author: Rfasbr
Published: 2017-02-07
Hey everyone. Hope you tag along and enjoy the wild, wild adventures of a first rate emperor stuck with a 5th rate army.

Part of the campaign:

Brazil Vic2 HPM AAR

Previous part:

Game: Victoria 2

Brazil Vic2 HPM AAR Part 2: Alliances

Images: 28, author: Rfasbr, published: 2017-02-03

Welcome all! This AAR now comes with COLORS - you too can revolutionize viewing experience with this newfangled technology. ORDER TODAY!

Anyhow, on to the setup and first 10 years of this AAR.

"Brazil, and its entire army and population, is shit, as you can see." That's what I said to Emperor Pedro II anyhow. As the court gasped and cried out in horror, his majesty however urged silence - with an imperious shout nonetheless - seemingly entranced by the mysterious visitor that I was. Maybe it was the denim jacket, the rimless glasses, or the flashy, suppressed .45 HK USP (Tacticool Operator Approved) that I'd used to shoot my way into the Paço Imperial.

"You have my attention, stranger. Also blood on your clothes and perhaps more bullets in that hand cannon of yours, so, speak I suppose. I do hope you're not here just to make a tirade of my country?"

"Oh, far from it. I'm Brazilian, you see. I'm here to save this goddamn country."

"So, what, is it a coup?"

"No, I think your imperial powers will help a lot for the next hundred years or so. I know what happens, I'm here to prevent it all. To stray our path into light. Some gunfire, sure, but mostly light. I'm here to advise, guide, and trash people into submission, if need be, so that we can stand tall among all nations. Without much bloodshed on our side, even."

"So, you're an envoy from the future. What are you going to do, bring more of these guns? Oh, I can see how that would work."

"No, I bring the greatest gift from the future, result of hundreds of simulations by advanced machines." I cleared my throat, trying to deliver the next line with as much gravitas as possible. "I bring you cheese."
"Step 1 in ruling people is having educated people, not illiterate droves, to rule. So let's get working on that. It's going to be a long road, but you want Brazil one day to craft a weapon such as, or even better, as mine."

"So we can better wage wars?"

"Nah, so we can profit and make movies while other people do the dying. Wait a couple of years, I'll show you what I'm talking about"
"Also, we need horses, commission some your Majesty. And six transport boats"

"Are we going to circumvent the rebel army by sea?"

"Oh that's not for the gauchos. That's for the Africans"
"Get the diplomat corps to talk to Britain, France and the Illuminati about not fucking interfering with some blatant land grab in the Kongo."

"But why?"

"Because we are an Empire. An Empire needs lands that do not belong to it originally and are taken by force. Also we need a staging ground for future operations."

" said you'd avoid bloodshed."

"Oh, I will. The Kongolese are boat-phobic. You'll see. Just make sure the diplomats do their jobs"
Crises are unlocked, and the main army moves down.
"Make them wait by Parana's coast while we mobilize our farmers and just feint moving there to throw the gauchos off balance. They'll call off the sieges and the reinforcements."
The minister of foreign affairs came to the throne room. "Some objected to our land grab, calling it a land grab. But then it was tea time, and the subject never came up again, so I think we're not going to be facing any intervention."
"We've got the papers for you to sign, your Majesty." I said to Pedro II. The military high command was just filing us in on how the gauchos were indeed calling the siege of Santa Catarina on and off again.

"...Operation Gorilla Warfare, conselheiro?"

"I'm a genius. In the future this will be worth gold in maymays"
"Ok, your Majesty, declare war on the Kongo..."
"And, Minister, you should prepare the papers for the second part of Op Gorilla. The target is Gaza. Portugal badly wants that land so we have to move fast with this one."
"Have the conscripts circumvent the rebel army through São Miguel, to avoid a battle. They're rebels, but they're Brazilians."

"That's...preposterous! We have to put them down! They rose against the Emperor!"

"And those are his subjects, General. I give the orders here. We'll siege the entirety of Rio Grande do Sul without firing too many bullets. Specially not against angsty brethen."

"What's angsty?"

"An emo."

"An emu?"

"No, emo. Emoooo. It's complicated."
"What you said, conselheiro, about Portugal badly wanting those lands was true. I was able to use it to get France to guarantee that nobody would object. They want the competition to the Portuguese crown."

"Great. Tell them war is on."
"Operation Gorilla Warfare 2 is underway, your Majesty."

"Conselheiro, come here. You said you were going to make us stand tall. We can barely contain the rebels, and now we got two more wars to take care of. Have you any idea of what you're doing?"

"Absolutely, your Majesty. Give me one year. If I don't wrap up all these wars, you can shoot me with my gun."
"Your Majesty, tell the Admiral to sail to the Kongolese coast. Tell them to put a good show once they're there. Hmm, tell them to scream 'Ni!' near the shores, that should do the trick"

The Emperor kept eyeing my gun eerily, but gave the order anyway.
While the War Council, now a permanent fixture on the Palácio, was convened to give the movement orders the Conselheiro was requiring of them, the Minister for Foreign Affairs came into the room.

"The Kongolese king wants to...surrender to our demands"

"The- What?! They're conceding the lands?"

"Yes, your Majesty. They won't come near the boats, so the Admiral had to go ashore to do the negotiation, but they just want us to stop shouting Ni and take our navy away. It's really disconcerting looking at 'men shouting around all that wood and those big, straight masts' according to the king".

Everyone turned to the Conselheiro.

"Well, they're afraid. Maybe their King is afraid to surrender to his lust, apparently, but just afraid works for us."
"Operation Gorilla Warfare was a complete success...with no shots fired. Just a bit of scurvy to report, your Majesty"

"God damn that Conselheiro. Well, I've got new holdings, I suppose."

"Also the Admiral requested we changed the Royal Navy's name."

"To what?"

"The...ah...Gorilla Navy, sir. I quote: 'in honor of the greatest achievement of gunboat diplomacy in the past hundred years and the operation that brought them that honor'"

Conselheiro snickered in his seat at the War Council. "Oh man, this is even better than I hoped."
"Sir, the gauchos have engaged our army that was coming back to Rio, in a desperate attempt to break our morale and sieges."

"Has the army at Pelotas find the hiding rebel leaders yet?"

"Just so, sir."

"Good. Make them sign the peace and being back into the fold, and call off the attacks until their side get the stand down order as well. Just entrench and defend yourselves."
"See, your Majesty? Here, in the paper. We're already respected throughout the Enlightened world. Scientists are coming here to know better how managed to win 2/3 wars in such quick succession. They, in turn, will also help our own research projects"

"....I've no idea how you're doing this yet. I'd call witchcraft if that handgun didn't look mechanical enough"

While talks in the European courts went on, the army went back to Rio, conscripts in tow. They were supposed to only help with the rebel threat, but now orders were given to get the conscripts on the Gorilla Fleet and ship them off to Gaza
"The French cared a bit. Also the Dutch, but they just said 'if you don't say pretty please, then no'"

"Will they stop us Minister?"

"Oh, bleed French blood for Africans? Not likely."

"Well the Dutch can go stuff themselves. Op Gorilla Warfare, Part 3: African Bogaloo is a go".
"Here are our land papers for Madagascarian lands, Conselheiro"

"Good, give them to your Majesty so he can distribute it among his landowner friends. It will be useful for him having way more friends for when the coup comes?"

"What...what coup? Are YOU plotting a coup?"

"No, Minister. But liberal elements will try one when he's old. Don't worry, I'll have it under control by then. Tell me, if I wanted to shoot him and take over, could I've not already? The army already loves me, and so does the Gorilla Navy"


"The answer is yes. You might want to rebuke me with complications, but you know in your heart is true. Don't worry, I won't let the coup come through. Just, be silent about it. I need the emperor in top shape, it's going to be some turbulent years yet."

"For now, I'll hold my tongue."

"Good, now let's go get some more lands."
On this day, in 1837, the Brazilian Emperor Pedro II declared war on the Madagascarians, alleging "Cheese reasons". Historians and linguists are still not sure what he meant.
The conscripts, simple farmers less than a year ago, were now disembarked in foreign lands subjugating other people in honor of the crown. Asked of his impressions of the new land, a soldier simply retorted

"I can't read the direction signs here either, so all's just the same. But way more diarrhea, sir."
The Gazans surrendered the land, which just left the 4th war with Madagascar on the table, well, except...

"Here, conselheiro"

"Good, this one's tricky. Look, we're inching too close to Britain, and they're bound to complain. Just make sure they do not intervene."

"Where are we invading next?"

"We're not invading, we're bringing them under our wing. Matabele, just north of their South African colonies."


"Yeah, oh is right."
The Guardian, Victorian Edition, had some choice words about the Brazilian Crown's aims in Matabele. "Brazilians: butchers and buttfuckers all, more on page 6"
"Your Majesty, tell your science-men to do prep-work to produce better science in the coming years."
"Ok Conselheiro, now we can send the farmers back to their homes, demobilize our troops," said the General matter-of-factly.

"Oh, no. I need them there for Matabele, and we've got no one to replace them in short notice"

"But what's your excuse going to be to keep our nation mobilized? You know the Great Powers will certainly frown upon it."

"I don't need an excuse. We declare war on Paraguay to get them off Mato Grosso"
"The papers proving Matabele was always ours, since God created the Earth, are here Conselheiro"
"To war, then."

"But this senseless bloodshed..."

"Have I mentioned they've got a lot of diamonds and gold and shit?"

"Conselheiro, I've got one request regarding the war with Paraguay," the Emperor said, striding into the War Room.

"What is it, Majesty?"

"I want them humiliated. For the blatant stealing of our lands way back when."

"Sure, I'll add that to the peace demands. I'll require them to have a banner saying 'BRAZIL'S BEST COUNTRY IN SOUTH AMERICA' for 10 years in their presidential palace. That ought to do it"

The MFA (Minister for Foreign Affairs) chuckled. "I'll spread the word. If we make them do it, it will look good on us to other countries"
"But, Conselheiro, I've seen the streets and people are restless, demanding the end of the wars and things. I'm their Emperor, I should heed their needs."

"oh, surely your majesty. But here you need to be a master negotiator"

"How so?" he asked, sitting on the throne with his chin resting on his hand.

"Well, we do need to reform our laws to attract specialized immigrant labor to our lands. So, give them liberties in other areas, such as the rights to labor unions."

"But won't that bite my tush in the future? I can see it already, the Farmer's Association demanding good education for all!"

"No, majesty, we want exactly that. Because they do. They are your subjects, and you live and die by their grace, just as they have been doing for yours."

The Conselheiro paced around the rooom. "Those ideas of liberties aren't going away. They'll love whoever gives them that, or at least promises them. Who do you rather have them love, you or some upstart republican coup plotter?"

"I see," said the Emperor, his eyes downcast. "There's wisdom in your words"

"I suppose."
"They accepted the banner requirement, your Majesty"
While the war with Matabele raged, the Uruguayans went bankrupt
However, the boat ferrying the bank note from Europe sank and there was no other copy. Thus, with no proof of the debt, there was no CB.
Matabele surrendered...
...and the farmers could finally go home.
A bit of metagame here: my aim on elections is to get people to vote liberal. As liberal as it gets. So every such decision I'll promote liberal ideals, referencing the party platforms on the right. That way, if the senate is composed of more liberals, I can pass reforms easily, without having to resort to high militancy cheese - such as having wars for near 10 years.
"Minister, will the French ally us?"

"Not yet, Conselheiro. I've been working on it, as you requested, but they've got interests elsewhere. But why do we want their alliance again? We risk falling under their influence if we do."

"Well Minister, we might fall under their sphere anyway. However, we can make them bleed for us. I'd rather have French blood on my hands than Brazilian."

"What about all the wars we just went through?"

"Well, get them on board faster then, they're not stopping"

The MFA looked a bit spooked, but boarded the first ship to France.
Using the HM goverment's ability to change ruling party causes a slight fluctuation in the Senate vote, and allows you to pass reforms if you're close to the threshold. So, why not pick the party that will allow me unrestricted construction of factories? ONWARD, TO INDUSTRIALIZATION!
It's 41 and I'm 5 points behind the Netherlands. The ottomans are sure to I started thinking. I really need that alliance, and now.
Through a fluke, the ottomans fell way too hard. And nobody had 2 points less than the Netherlands, so I'm 8th..
"The Portuguese crown offers us an alliance!" exclaimed the MFA.

"Sure, we can use them"
"Your majesty, we need to reinforce the idea we're the best. I'm thinking we could enforce the same banner requirement on the other 'Guay."

"Sure, good idea Conselheiro. I'm getting invited to courts all over Europe now, so you'll take the reigns for a while."
And as such...
When Pedro II arrived in the port in France, the French president himself was there to greet him.

He turned to the crowds and exclaimed, "People of France, I present to you Emperor Pedro II, the Miraculous! May his country help bring much needed stability to the world in these troubling times!"

The Emperor thought back to the Conselheiro's war cravings. The only placed he wanted stable, it seemed, was Brazil. Everybody else had to hope he didn't have a plan or didn't see an opening.

So the Emperor smiled, waved to the crowd, and promised that the Brazilians would help the world out of these troubled times.

Next chapter:

Game: Victoria 2

Brazil Vic2 HPM AAR Part 2: Alliances

Images: 28, author: Rfasbr, published: 2017-02-03

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