Brazil Vic2 HPM AAR Part 2: Alliances

Hello ladies and gents, welcome back to the Empire of Pedro II the Miraculous, who took a shitty ass country to GP status in 6 years through the power of cheese, on the back of the plans of a time traveler armed with a semi-auto pistol - strictly for diplomatic purposes, he'd assure you.

Where we last left them, they were trying to make this other 'Guay to kindly accept to put up a banner saying "BRAZIL'S BEST COUNTRY IN SOUTH AMERICA" on their presidential palace.

The MFA was reading the peace terms of the war that was still not declared:

"The Uruguayan nation, deeply humbled by the strategical brilliance of Emperor II, will publicly recognize Brazilian mastery in all matters except eating shit - that honor falls to us, as a backward nation, and to Argentina, because fuck Argentina". He cleared his throat before asking the War Room at large. "Good enough gentlemen? Anything to add?"

"I got an idea about some donkeys..." said the General.

"No, it's good enough. Donkeys, General, really? I don't even...What in the heavens?! Look, Minister, send the declaration of war and let's be done with it," retorted his Imperial Majesty before leaving the room.

"Yeah, good enough. We also need to move fast, because..."

"...some of the European powers are really riled up about us being considered a Great Power and want to take us down already," concluded the Conselheiro. "We need to assert our place by bashing another nation, a defenseless, innocent-of-any-slight-against-us nation, just for giggles, like we ought to now"

After a quick invasion, the Brazilian army raised the banner. The Europeans were duly impressed and stopped questioning Brazil's status among them.

"How did we not perceive they belong among us sooner?" several top diplomats were heard asking in European courts and circles.

"The United States however isn't quite happy. There's a Monroe, an upstart of some sort, that believes they ought to dominate the two continents," reported the MFA

"Nobody cares what the US thinks, Minister. For now they can come die in our jungles or just trade with us. Their time will come too, don't you worry."

"Your Majesty, the French will enter an alliance with us!"

"What does Conselheiro think?"

"Well he's been pushing for this since 1836. He said he'd rather have the French bleed for us in the next couple of wars than Brazilian blood on his hands"

"I wholeheartedly agree. Make it so, Minister"

The Conselheiro convened the War council.

"Gentlemen, in light of our recent alliance with the French, I believe we're in position to start securing our place in the world for the future," he told them, pacing around the table as he spoke. "The Dutch have colonies, valuable colonies, all over the world but not the force of arms to defend them."

"Sure, Conselheiro, but the Gorilla Navy is made up of dinky wooden boats. They have iron ships with bigger guns. We have no hope of invading them, as our army is also still shit while you directed the research to how people can throw their lives away in search of an ideal"

"And that's where the French will come in, General. We don't need an army, nor a navy, for the French to beat the Dutch a bit silly. It will look good for them, even train their armies a bit, and should be a quick affair."

The Minister piped up, "Well, that if the alliance holds. The French are notoriously...French, I'd guess."

"Yes, that is indeed a problem. What would you do if the French don't come through, Conselheiro?" asked his Majesty.

"Well, we cross that bridge when we get to it. Minister, prepare our papers claiming one of their colonies as our own. Leave which one exactly blank, we'll decide later."

"Like a 'colony raincheck' Conselheiro?"

"Yeah, sure."

"The papers are ready, Conselheiro. The Brits approved of it, but they won't help us directly. They'll cheer but that's it."

"They're already mobilized for a war halfway across the world, Conselheiro."

"Then the time has come. Your Majesty, if you'd have the honor of calling them windmill fuckers and kicking this thing off..."

"WAIT!" screamed the MFA, running into the War Room. "None of our allies will back us up!"

"What? How so? What's the problem?"

"I've no idea Conselheiro, they just say it's impossible."

"Impossible? They're not at war with one another. Do they have truces?"

"No, Conselheiro"

"Then what in hell is up with them?"

The MFA shuffled a bit. "Well, Dom Quixote has been all the rage lately, and that sparked a 'save the windmills from bastards' movement...."

"Oh for fuck sake."

"Conselheiro, our papers do have an expiration date. What do we do?"

"What, THAT you didn't think of leaving blank?"

The tension in the room was palpable.

"Conselheiro, what do you suggest. Your cheese has brought us this far, and it surely will bring us further, won't it?" Ask candidly his Majesty.

"That's the thing, your Majesty," I said, playing with the gun. It was a nice gun, it brought some security, but it did not bring the French armeés. "They've got cheese of their own in form of Prussian Gooseducking Space Marines."

"Wha..?"

"No matter," I furrowed my brows, and after some seconds I made a decision. "Gentlemen, this won't be easy, by any stretch of imagination. But it's doable. Send the Gorilla Navy to pick up our African troops in the colonies, and transport them all back to Nordeste. Minister, fill in that we want the Guyana region. General, you're to capture it with one army, the Dutch have nobody stationed there according to our intelligence."

"But why station our troops in Nordeste?"

"Because the cheese tells us what they'll do, most of times. Now, your Majesty, really don't mince words in your war declaration speech. But spare the windmills, I suppose."

"Minister, let's embarrass the French. Call them to war. When they refuse, tell them they're just afraid of some Germans and unwashed spaniards and swamp people."

Sometime later, the Minister comes back from the magical diplomatic room that can send any message anywhere in a day before the advent of telephones and even telegrams.

"Conselheiro, they responded and I quote: 'You declared war on half of Europe. See it as your test. Also fuck you."

"Let's use this time of war to reform our systems to better attract idiots, I mean, immigrants"

"Will they really be able to pick who's in the goverment?"

"Of course not, his Majesty can simply overrule the party voted in."

The Spanish are the first to take the bait, while the Gorilla Navy is busy patrolling the Guyana beach.

"Sir, 30 thousand Spaniards, some in red robes, are in Paraiba sieging the city. Some of them are asking why did their ships drop them in the midst of 70 thousand armed Brazilians."

"Because they're here to be slaughtered. Commence attack, General."

Meta: I didn't take picture of all the battles, but here's what happened: the dutch landed a force in the Guyanas, so I went there with two armies. Then the Spanish landed a force, that I baited into Maceio and then Aracaju (because Aracaju has a river). Took some heavy losses but only of conscripts. I mopped them up at Recife, which they fell back to, but the Dutch were landing their second force in Natal. All quite fast. The Prussians were taking my African colonies but I didn't care.

"We killed everyone, Conselheiro. Our troops are exhausted, the dead litter the field, and the souvenir shops are going bankrupt without the tourists"

"It's for a good cause, General. Tell the troops to lift the last siege. They're at a combined 120 thousand dead in Brazilian shores, it shouldn't be long now."

But it was long.

It was even longer.

The people were restless.

The Prussians didn't know the word "surrender other people's lands". They had lost their dictionary, and kept pestering for a white peace.

"Just ignore them all. We didn't sacrifice so many for nothing. But demobilize the conscripts, we'll recall them if they ever attempt to come back to the shores. The regular army can hold small forces for now."

All the while, the Brazilian empire's sphere was growing into central america

"It's been five years of war, Conselheiro. We're almost bankrupt because we can't sell people caipirinhas"

"Just some more time longer. The cheese is not wrong."

And it wasn't.

"THEY FINALLY ACCEPT OUR DEMANDS!" the MFA, running into the room, shouted. "The 'windmill fever' passed and they finally realized the Dutch are not worth it"

A Carnaval parade immediately sprung up, as is tradition, all over Brazil.

And so it was that a shitty South American army took three GPs (well 2 and Spain) and shat on them repeatedly. So much so that the Ottomans were a GP again.

"The French will not accept our request to reinstate the alliance, Conselheiro"

"Why not?"

"They are allied with the Russians"

"So....? We have no qualms with the Russians. Unless they have lands near us we don't know about?"

"No, no they don'

"No matter, not for now. Nobody should bother us, as they've witnessed Gorilla Warfare firsthand and the Netherlands is today considered lesser than Luxemburg. Let's take care of the economy, I've heard we've got a lot of unemployment in the new factories."

"Yes, as you wish. We've got about 100 unemployed people."

"A 100 thousand?!"

"No, just the hundred. Might be less."

"But we've got factories open that would have them in heartbeat, yes?"

"Yes."

"Then...why...I'm retreating to my quarters, to see what cheese I can come up with."