The Reds Part 6: A Really Old Dithmarschen AAR

Somewhere in England crouches a tiny, damp-ridden Council House. It has lain lifeless for months. Inside, a pile of bedsheets, pineapple pizza and Key Stage 3 maths textbooks, stirs. A hand reaches out from underneath an explanation of algebraic sequences. It skitters about for a moment before it finds what it seeks. The hand has found the mouse.

Not a squeaky kind though; this is a laser mouse, which makes it sound much more exciting than it actually is.

The brain operating the hand slowly registers that nothing is happening. The hand instead peels a slice of what can dubiously be called pizza off an ancient metal box. Underneath is a button, worn with use. The button is pressed. The hand returns to the mouse.

And so, the Gamer wakes from his hibernation.

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Wew, it has been a long time since I touched on this. I sorta lost interest in this AAR (which happens a lot with me), but some kind user came along and asked if there was any more. Well, there is now! On to the Return of the Reds feat. Dithmarschen!

A quick reminder; I am here to form Germany as the tiny HRE nation of Dithmarschen whist keeping their unique peasant republic government the whole time. This allows me to make loads of Communist puns and is a core element of my strategy.

Also, I'm on patch 1.19.2, because this is an older save, so no Mandate of Heaven and no Paradox hate-inspiring content will be found on this run.

I am managing to support red factions all over Europe!

Just kidding. The people in red want to see the Glorious Peoples Party of Dithmarschen dismantled, mainly because I am busy killing their fat nobles and replacing them with fat burgers.

Speaking of the burgers, they are the crucial element of our cunning economic strategy to 'keep all the trade in Lubek', so it is nice when they agree to help the people* stay rich.

*For the purposes of this statement, only the Great Leader Man of Dithmarschen is a person.

Oh, and we were in some minor war. Did I mention that? Either way, it's over now. We won.

It took a few years but finally the coalition has disbanded, so I can look to go to war again.

Anhalt has been a thorn in my side for too long now. It is time to put an end to their monarchist tyranny.

Nobility? In the Peoples' Glorious National Socialist Party Nation of Dithmarschen? Seize them!

Wealth? What wealth? Now excuse me, I have to go inspect the new Mansion I bought for the People. Me the people that is.

Apparently killing people to take their money is considered 'cruel'. Bunch of ungrateful peasants. I buy this grand mansion all for myself and they think it's not nice because the money came from some dead guy's estate! Honestly, plebeians these days...

We won the war. It wasn't much of a war really. Most of my soldiers died during sieges.

'Ha! Haha hahaha hahahaha!'

*gasp*

'Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha HAHAHAHAHA!'

Above is recorded the Holy Dithmarschen Emperor's reaction to a request from some rather comical chap in Austria with delusions of grandeur.

So, I really want to invade Frankfurt, because they have several provinces I need to complete the achievement I'm going for. But they are allied to Russia, and Russia's army is three times the size of mine. I'll have to wait for some time before I can attack here it seems.

However, Saxony has some land I want too. And if I take it, then the Commonwealth won't be able to get it for themselves in some war they declare, meaning I can keep my strongest ally until the end of the game. Sounds like a plan!

My plans suck.

The palatinate is a bit stronger than I estimated.

Here come the big guns!

Ah, much better. I love the smell of Polish reinforcements in the morning!

Side note: I recently watched Apocalypse Now, so now I get this reference. Not a film I would recommend, honestly. It did its job, and got across the horrors of war, but I didn't really find myself entertained by it (which is sort of the point, I think).

Anyway, back to your irregularly unscheduled, pun filled AAR about communist atoms.

Russia wants military access through north Germany. To fight in Asia.

They aren't going to win. The Ottomans have nearly double Russia's force limit.

There were some close moments during this epic conflict.

But for the most part, the People's army* came out on top.

*For the purposes of this propaganda, The Commonwealth is considered People too.

And I just picked up the 'Gentle Persuasion' achievement. Very nice.

This mission I just completed here is pretty amazing. It takes a while to get the reward, because building manufactures takes time, but 2 whole seized productions is nothing to sniff at.

Cleves offer me peace, and I accept, because the one thing that I like more than war is money.

Also, the Pope set me as their Rival. It's probably because the Pontiff is afraid I'll strip him of his titles and make him share his wealth with the common people. That's not going to happen; if I, the Supreme Great Senate Commander of the Loyal People from Dithmarschen, can live in a grand mansion, so can the Pope.

More nations offering peace. The war is practically won now.

The mini-giant is down! I humiliate the palatinate and break up their alliances. I do not want them to block my expansion south any longer.

Finally, I grab the ultimate goal of this particular war; Wittenburg, Sachsen and Potsdam. One of them is needed to form Germany, and the others are just nice land for me to have.

Europe does not think that those provinces are nice land for me to have.

Austria's been taking a beating of late. They cannot compete with the means that we have seized!

O, how far the mighty have fallen. Austria even lost Vienna to Hungary.

Bonus: dying Russia!

Since mother Russia is starting to make like her own Rasputin and die really slowly, the People are taking the opportunity to attack their ally. I only want Hessen from this war. My aggressive expansion is too high to do much more, and all I really want to do is break their alliance with Russia.

Side note: while I was fighting this war, I was listening to this song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ

And with that quick war, I will make an even quicker exit, because the people who clicked on that link now want to murder me.*

*I was not lying. I actually listened to it all the way through. It's not even a bad song, and I have it in my spotify playlist for… reasons.

-Never going to give you up. Never going to let you down. Never going to run around and desert you.' - Erwin D. Rommel to his men, shortly before the 2nd battle of El Alamain.