Death to the West - A Persian HPM AAR - Part 5

Author: ElvenAshwin
Published: 2017-02-06, edited: 1970-01-01

Part of the campaign:

Death to the West - A Persian HPM AAR

Previous part:

Game: Victoria 2

Death to the West - A Persian HPM AAR - Part 4

Images: 85, author: ElvenAshwin, published: 2017-02-06, edited: 1970-01-01

Onwards, Persia!
In 1872, Shah Naser al-Din delivered what would become known as the Imperial Address.

Here, he outlined to the people of Persia (who could read - so roughly 12 people and a goat) and the country's top generals and theologians, what the future of Persia would be. He described a vast colonial Empire, from sea to shining sea. The Great Game was already won by the British - I mean Persia, and it was time Persia looked outwards.

There was a slight issue of Persia not having a notable navy, but the Shah concluded we could borrow some ships from the British, exchanging something worthless like, say, trade concessions that give British monopolies control over large sections of Persia's economy.
A center of art and culture!
The Shah, desperate to make Persia the top destination for intellectuals of the world, begins to promote the art industry in Persia, commissioning large portraits of himself, as well as pieces detailing the mass killing of minorities. These two types of pictures, he felt, would perfectly encapsulate what it means to be an Enlightened Persian, and attract tourism and give the Empire more prestige.
The Russo-Japanese Failure of 1874
The Russians, too busy stumbling over their starving peasants, are unable to defeat some lowly backwards state that recently westernized.

That bodes well for Persia!
Money? Whats that?
The Shah outlines his proposals to cover every province in Persia with large and massive train tracks. He is promptly reminded that the treasury is virtually nonexistent, and that he needs to get money somehow to fund projects. It appears that his glorious mind alone isn't enough to propel Persia forward.

Once again it seems like the Persian people are holding back the Shah and Persia.
His first thought is to improve the administration of Persia so that his tax collectors can more efficiently mug random strangers on the street, however it seems that Persia is largely governed extremely well. The Shah is pleased, and to celebrate he mugs a random stranger on the street.
No seriously, fuck off
The damned peasants never learn. They continue to propose radical and foreign ideas such as the right to choose Persia's representatives. Well, the Shah will have none of it. No one decides what Persia does besides the Shah himself! The shah bows to no one! He promptly orders all protestors to be shot.

The British however ask him not to do that and he immediately agrees.
Really, China?
It appears that even the new administration in China has absolutely no idea how to command an army, because Qing loyalists continue to run rampant in the northern plains of China.

In other news, Hong Xiuquan, the Heavenly King, has agreed to grant Mongolia its independence and not press any claims on their land. The Mongols sigh a sigh of relief, as they can now go back to herding sheep, copulating with sheep and occasionally conquering half the world.
Raise the taxes
In order to fund his burgeoning education system and art promotion programmes, the Shah orders the peasants to be taxed more. After all, how can they complain? This money is directly going towar teaching your kids and promoting anti-minority propaganda! It's the most Persian thing imaginable! Anyone who opposes it certainly hates Persia.
The Shah now commissions for several teenagers to be brought to the court, and give a lecture to the artists about how "they should express themselves, man".

He then has them executed because Persia doesn't need whiny kids, it needs mindless drones! Onwards, Persia!
The international committe is impressed with Persian art and literature. Persia hosts the first Persian Art Fair, showcasing 110 different paintings and their artists. The Shah also has the artists chained to the walls, passing it off as an "artistic choice", mostly because he's almost certain they're all on the verge of defecting.

For some reason they don't appreciate the weekly salary of four potatoes.
Raise the ta- what?
The Shah is told that he still lacks the funds for bigger education programmes or a navy to conquer the world. He orders for the taxes to be raised - before he's informed that the tax rate is already at "give us everything you own".

Go away
The communists begin preaching against the Shah, insisting that he tyrannical rule and his imposition of a strict social hierarchy is fundamentally against the nature of mankind. They want a revolution to establish some sort of communist regime.

The Shah listens attentively, then proclaims the preachers "heretics of islam" and has them shot or burned alive.

The advisors aren't sure if they should tell him that communism is a social movement, not a religion with a Prophet Marx.

The Shah can't exactly comprehend what a social movement is, however, and they decide to go with the "its a heresy of Islam" route.
For some reason, Germans really enjoy invading Russia and dying in the cold. And Russians seem to consistently prefer having half their population die very few years than surrender for once.
Ah, honor. Truly the best reason to launch a war to kill millions. The Shah knows the only valid casus belli are "fuck the Russians" and "The Shah said so".
Farm better!
The Shah desperately needs money and potatoes to fuel his industrial ambitions and to feed the laborers building the industrial ambitions. He asks for European experts to come into Persia to introduce their fancy steam engines. At the same time, he has his scientists attempt to reverse engineer the engines and steal the designs.

Just another brilliant idea from the Shah.
The Persian Dream
Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me,
I lift my lamp beside the 14-hour workday factory door
So pull up your bootstraps
Praise the bourgeoisie
Hail the Shah
You're not meant to be free

Damn lazy peasants.
But its glass!
The Shah is informed that his glass factory is effectively a source of state charity, struggling to earn any kind of profit. He looks back to his book, "Industrialization for Dummies/Persians" and seems confused.

"It clearly says here to industrialize off the most important industrial goods: glass and liquor"
The Shah is introduced to western chemistry by the British. He is amused - everyone knows its called alchemy.

He orders several metric tons of chemicals and supplies, and tells his scientists to invent things with them.
Thanks to the improved farming capabilities, the Shah is now able to earn more money from his people.

Everyone is richer! Hooray!
Yes, revolt on that side of the fence
Russian peasants, tired of being peasants, and more importantly, Russian, revolt against their leaders.

It appears that the Communist religion has got to them. The Shah is worried about this third branch of Islam spreading too far.
Ships ahoy!
With materials purchased from his British overlords - friends, I mean friends, the Shah begins constructing the Persian Grand Navy, to replace the existing three dinghies and a fisherman.
Literacy soaring
The Persian people, equipped with a strong British education mixed in with Persian culture (correcting inaccuracies such as the idea that Persia existed before the Qajars), are now almost as literate and educated as those in Austria-Hungary. In particular, our highly literate upper class has spread its culture to Europe, and we are now respected as a fairly modern state.

We climb from our position as a fringe power. In Forbe's latest "Most Powerful Countries" list, we were ranked both number 1 and number 2!

Interestingly, the westerners put the numbers next to each other, so it read like "12". Strange western habits.
My eyes
The cartographer is executed for failing to write words properly.

It appears that the Ottoman Sultan, despite his victory in the Oriental Crisis, has given up control of Egypt.
The Shah looks interested in the situation. He is told that there are large supplies of tropical wood in some parts of Sudan, ruled over by Egypt.

He begins to enter deep thought. After several minutes he replies, "There are trees in Egypt?"
Death and Taxes
Our tax collectors need to get better at shagging the citizens. We invest in a stock market. The idea is to get various individuals to enter the stock market, where we shag them en masse.

Financial fraud and muddying the actual prices of stock should also boost our income.
Guess who's back!
The Shah meets with British delegates, and discusses seizing parts of Egypt away from the existing unstable Egyptian state. In return, the Shah promised not to oppose the Ottoman Empire in any way, nor challenge its stability, keeping it intact and the Balkans secure.

As for why he wants Egypt, he mutters something about Achaeminids and "rightful Persian land".
Not convinced
The internation community doesn't take kindly to the "rightful Persian land excuse". However, they are somewhat interested in the Persian proposal of stabilizing Egypt - and they think the Shah's Persia can replace the Ottoman Empire as the dominant middle-eastern power.

But there is significant opposition in Russia and France to Persian expansionism - they argue we are nothing but puppets of the British Empire, and that an invasion of Egypt would be the British colonization of Egypt.

We take great offense to such an insinuation. Just because we've signed off large sections of our economy to the British, contact them before any major decision and the Shah spends half his time with their prostitutes such as Queen Victoria, does not mean we're puppets!

We storm out of negotiations and prepare for war.
They let it slide
The French and the Russians, despite their anger, are unable to stop the Persians. We have strong German and British support. God Save the Queen!

I mean, the Shah. The Shah. God save him.
War is declared
The Shah announces a state of war between Persia and Egypt. The British will not be assisting in the invasion, so as to dissuade international speculation about whether this is really a British invasion.

Para bellum
The Shah begins purchasing arms from independent-not-secretly-controlling-the-gvoernment-via-superpacs British arms dealers.
We will fight on the beaches!
Laughing at the crappy Egyptian military, the Shah decides against sending an overwhelming force and chooses to perform a beach landing against an entrenched Egyptian force.

Onwards, Persia!
Persian forces botch the initial invasion of Egypt and, after getting beaten around a bit, forced to flee.

The British are reported as having facepalmed upon hearing the news, before resuming their starving of the Irish.
Make the factories better
At home, the Royal Persian Scientific Committee begins to invest in machinery, and reccommends that factories make use of the latest European tech from 30 years ago in order to boost output and make the Shah proud.
More weapons!
Before the Shah can begin the second wave of the Egypt invasion, he decides to better fund supplies for his troops. Now we might start fighting the Egyptians with actual bullets.

We drop the soldier's pay temporarily so as to buy the supplies.
Onwards, to Egypt!
A second force sets sail from the Persian Gulf. Persia has already been humiliated internationally, it can't get worse.
Ah, crap
The Egyptians had a fleet, apparently. The Shah orders his espionage department to be executed. He is informed he doesn't have an espionage depatment, after having executed them several decades ago after one of them told a joke, making the Shah's wife laugh.

How dare he let a woman enjoy themselves?!
The Persian navy, against all odds, sinks half the Egyptian fleet. It appears as though their warships were made by slave children who were blind and couldn't build them very well.

That's the secret, you see - the Shah's slave children aren't blind.
We will fight on the beaches... again
One Persian force lands in the northern beach. The other heads deeper into Egypt, towards the nile. The initial force is attacked by Egyptian forces.
An astounding victory
The Egyptians are destroyed in the battle, boosting morale.

Now when our diplomats are seen overseas, the other countries laugh at us less frequently! Persian prestige is restored.
The definition of insanity
The Egyptians engage our fleet in the Red Sea. Apparently, Egyptians are suicidal.
Storm Cairo!
Our elite, undefeated forces storm Cairo, ready to chew minorities and kick Egyptians. And we're all out of minorities (no seriously someone send help - my parents are Armenian and they're coming for my fami
Ve began ze retreat from Cairo. It appearz az zo the Perzin forze was defeated.
Hold the line
Apologies, about that, he was a temporary replacement.

I'll be the new nationalist, our previous one went to a re-educational facility after it was learned that there was something wrong with him.

Our troops manage to hold against a renewed Egyptian offensive - already, the Egypt campaign is more bloody and back-and-forth than the Glorious Shah, His Almighty and Wonderous predicted.
Drink your worries away
The Shah, His Graciousness, sets up an alcohol distillery to produce enough liquor for him to forget this entire war happened.
Give up won't you
More Egyptians, seeing the inevitable demise of their nation, hop on a boat and commit suicide.
Down the nile
Egyptian forces journey down the nile, engaging the recovering Persian army in Minya. The second force is sent north to assist.
Never give up!
The Persians manage to stave off the attack - our superior build scared away the Egyptians. Their build is rather strange - their ribs seem to be showing, they're awfully short and they seem rather unintelligent and immature.

Wait, nevermind, those were just the child soldiers.
The Shah commisions for cement factories to be built across Persia, to fuel our later mass industrializes. He promises that its "coming soon, eventually, I swear guys".
First Persian attack
Persian troops launch their first offensive, to relieve Ras Gharib of besieging Egyptians, since the failure of the storming of Cairo.

We succeed, but we lose more men.

In other news, the Shah still hasn't gotten out of bed, seemingly regretting this entire war and despising the Persian military.
This is the same battle, but the folks at home need more encouragement of the state of affairs.
Damned fiendish liberals
The left-wing members of Parliament, seeing the Shah inactive and not willing to engage in the political process due to the disaster of his invasion plans, proposes a pension system.

Thankfully, His Righteousness' Royal Officials execute the man for promoting such a vile idea.
Philosophy, yeah
Persian philosophers begin to study the structure of consciousness, in order to ascertain exactly how mad the Shah has gone.
War over that?
Swedish settlers, colonizing the coast of Ethiopia, contend with the French over control of the mouth of the Red Sea.
The French are busy oppressing Algerians and other such subhuman creatures dwelling in Africa, which may explain Sweden's bold nature.
Head south
As the war rages on, a Persian force heads south to capture the original intent of the war - southern Egypt. A separate force is busy invading the main population centers around Cairo. The combination of pressures should cause the Egyptians to catipulate.

For an inferior race, they sure are hardy.
Traitors to the realm
Persian communists, them well known traitors and heretics, rise up in Turkestan. They insist that the Shah's policy of making the Central Asian races work 14 hours or get shot is subhuman, and proposal some kind of alternative policy based on Prophet Marx's teachings.

The Shah emerges from his absence, enraged at this misinterpretation of the Koran and the heretic Prophet, and has them killed.
So, how's it going Czar Nicho-
... Czar Nicholas?

Czar? Where are you!

The Czar has fallen! Russia has been taken over by the peasants! They adopt a disgusting policy in which the people, who don't understand how government works, elect representatives.

The Shah is disgusted. Of the Three Emperors of Europe, only two remain.
I smell a profit
The copying of foreign technologies has made our locals proficient enough in the production of machine parts. Our capitalists are looking to build factories for such a good.

Haha, that's a joke from the Shah. The capitalists can't come with good ideas, they're too busy dying from down syndrome.
Its over... its over...
After 3 years of fighting in Egypt, roughly 66 000 Persian losses (200 000 dead overall), the Egyptian War is over. Egypt's leaders agree to let Persia occupy the southern half of Egypt, and also agree to grant greater autonomy to Sudan, effectively making them independent (for the purpose of cartography and/or masturbation, maps will paint Egypt as still owning Sudan).

Reportedly, what finally got the Egyptians to surrender was the dumping of Persians, who had died from starvation/attrition, in the Nile, which apparently spreads diseases.

Persian scientists, intrigued, begin studying this effect.
The Persian Armed forces are devastated by the war. Instead of enriching Persia, the treasury is still largely empty. The Shah needs a way to make money fast, and in order to do so, he begins looking East.
Income rising
Despite the costs of the war, developments elsewhere mean that the government is making significantly more money than before. This means the Shah can fund an even more expensive war!

The advisors sigh.
Hello, yes, Bank of China?
The British are contacted again. Already fed up with the progress of the Egyptian war, which just left Egypt more unstable and humiliated the Persian forces, they're a bit amused when the Shah proposes his invasion of China to force the Heavenly Kingdom to buy his goods at exorbitant prices, so as to fund another future war.

Really, the point of war is to do better in future wars.
But who cares, its China!
Other members of the international community are not as amused
The Scramble for Africa
The Scramble kicks off, with the British and the French doing battle in West Africa. The British appear to be leading. The Shah curses - of course, he should've attacked the *East Africans* - their tech group is a lot worse than the Egyptian's.

He is promptly reminded what game he's playing.
They're too distracted to see our rise!
The Shah insists that he be allowed to prove his army worthy. The British grant the Persians the right to dock in Singapore, to launch their invasion of China. The other world powers are struggling over Africa, too busy to protest.
The Sino-Persian War is heating up
Persian diplomats arrive in Taiping. They insist that the Heavenly King agree to their demands regarding the forced purchase of goods. In particular, they want China to import Persia's vast quantities of wool at roughly ten times the market price, and they want a formal ban on cotton clothing.

The Chinese laugh at the delegation. The delegation proceeds to commit suicide, confusing the Heavenly King.

In other news, the Shah revealed to his people and the world that the Chinese shot our delegation! We will not stand for such insolence!
They terk my jerbs!
Machines are stealing our jobs! In 20 years, Persians will no longer be able to find work! Hear ye, Hear ye! MACHINES ARE TAKING YOUR JOB
Oh, quit whining
As the Shah readies to greatly energize Persia's industrial program, the bloody communists are whining.

We hence executed some Kurds to make the Shah feel better.
Damn double shots
Yeah, execute them harder!
Stop trying to jeopardize the war effort!
The increasing clamor for war with China is unpopular within Persian political societies. They view the Shah's crazy expansionist and imperialist policies as impossible to sustain. They unite against the Shah, passing an unemployment subsidies bill that the Royal Officials previously blocked, in order to spite the Shah.

The Shah then repeals it via decree.

It's good to be Shahanshah!
Fuck you... almost neighbor?
The Shah expans his list of demands. In order to fuel Persian industrialization, he wants the Heavenly King to be forced to consume Persian industrial production at exorbitant prices, hopefully encouraging Persians to being opening factories.

The Heavenly King is abhorred - how on earth could he eat Persia's machine goods and fabric?

The Shah declares war. The Brits collapse due to laughter.
Storm the beaches! Better this time
Persian forces land in southern china, killing large swathes of Chinese troops by glancing at them menacingly.
Occupy and control
Persian forces begin to occupy China's southern provinces, seizing large swathes of territory with little to no resistance.
Stop right there!
Spotting an equal-sized Chinese army, our forces march up to them and politely ask them to surrender. All the Chinese men drop dead.
Wait, they're actually trying to resist?
A large Chinese army of almost 100 000 marches on a Persian army.
But give up immediately.
It was a ruse all along, muahaha!
They instead choose to attack the army in less defensive terrain. The Shah is impressed with their intelligence - he had heard from the British that the Chinese had little in the way of strategy besides running into their own bayonets.
The Chinese army, vastly outnumbering Persian forces, proceed to commit suicide en masse, and occasionally charge artillery positions without wielding any guns, and intentionally running in circles around the artillery in case they don't get killed in the charge.

The Shah is led to believe that he's actually killing Chinese civilians. He asks the British whether he can be charged for genocide, however learns that Chinese civilians are the actual Chinese army.
Reinforcemens arrive
More Persian troops arrive to participate in the sport of "kill this Chinese man with the other Chinese man's intestine!"

They start a competition to see how many Chinese each can kill. One point for every 100 men killed. Our soldiers who participate average 10 points!

Others play a game of "see how many ways the Chinese can kill themselves". It consists of placing a bayonet in front of yourself. The Chinese tend to run into the bayonets in diverse manners.

Some soldiers also begin dissecting the remains of several dead Chinese soldiers, glaring at the Chinese troops that charge them, which causes them to back off.
Sweet mother of casualties
Eventually, realizing the futility of being Chinese, the remainder of the army hang themselves.
The Great Surrender
With the end of that massive battle, the Heavenly King realizes his forces have little to no chance. He surrenders.
Welcome to the Persian Colonial Age
With the surrender of the Chinese forces, Persia seizes a treaty port from which they can sell goods to China.

With the incredible wealth from their incredible unequal treaty, the Persians are now set in a place where they can fuel a great industrialization programme.

The Shah can finally rest, as his war efforts have paid off, and Persia will be rich, for the first time.

Join us next time where the Shah begins building railroads, Persia's literacy skyrockets, the Shah pisses off conservatives and... oh god, what did you say happens at the end?

Next chapter:

Game: Victoria 2

Death to the West - A Persian HPM AAR - Part 6

Images: 104, author: ElvenAshwin, published: 2017-02-06, edited: 1970-01-01

Check out another AAR:

Game: Hearts of Iron IV

18. 9. 39; A HOI4 short story.

Images: 6, author: Yoper101, published: 2017-02-06