Civilization V: Monsters of History, Part 1 (Darkest Souls)

Published: 2019-05-23

Part of the campaign:

Civilization V: Monsters of History

The broken English of our Jacobin terror greets us, as we prepare to begin the nastiest of all A.I games: Monsters of History. The racists, fascists, and mass killers are all competing, in a dystopia of rotten proportions! Prepare for a world of love-to-hate...
The Palmarista sub watches precariously from the shadows, hiding in the Western wastelands.
Our first contestants are presented! To the West, North Korea, led by Kim Il-Sung, and the Taiping Heavenly Kingdom, led by Hong Xiuquan. A totalitarian regime, and a likely insane crusader stand as probable rivals. Eastward, lies Somalia, led by Farrah Aidid, a brutal military commander, responsible for much chaos.
The green of the Central African Empire greets the cream colours of Rome. Bokassa I leads the former, while Caracalla commands the legions. South lies Francisco Franco and Khomeini, of Spain and Iran.
Mao, Pablo Escobar, and Jefferson Davis lead in the South (fitting).
Gaddafi's Libya, Mussolini's Italy, and Robespierre's Jacobins compete near the coast.
Chiang Kai-Shek leaders the ROC, West of Putin's Russia, and South of Tojo's Japan, as well as Solano Lopez's Paraguay.
Andrew Jackson leads the Americans, while Savonarola guides Florence, Hitler rules the Third Reich, and Ian Smith is once again ruler of Rhodesia.
Rome is the first to two cities, their legendary expansionism kicking into gear.
Jackson follows suit, preparing for a little manifest destiny.
Escobar searches for some discrete spots for cocaine production, praying that Mao won't crack down on classical era crack.
Bokassa realizes that an empire typically involves multiple cities and commands a coast city built.
China settles before the French can encroach.
Mao hears rumours of Chiang's settlements, and vows to leap forward in retaliation.
Hong and Kim settle towards each other.
Japan, Russia and Paraguay follow.
Kim is furious that Hong dare do exactly as he did, and settle towards him. "Do you want our borders to look like we're fucking holding hands?!" he screeches. Meanwhile Savvy mumbles about infidels.
Spain and Iran both reach for the North.
Savvy hears of the Italians to the South, and decides they must be like the Florentines. But infidels.
Germans. Must be infidels.
INFIDELS EVERYWHERE
Polar Putin piously prays.
Florence surges to three cities. Infidels.
Russia observes the value of Gulag-land.
Somalia expands quickly, preparing for some nice piracy.
Mao's people are the happiest of them all, while the French are content with the beheadings.
Meanwhile, Iran's people suffer, and Solano's rising population is relatively unhappy.
Putin drags a bunch of stones together with his bare hands (and a handful of discreet assistants) a bunch of huge stones. "Boom. Wonder. Worship my glory." He says, flexing his old man muscles.
The French and Chinese expand.
The FIRST WAR. Florence has finally been attacked for calling everyone an infidel. They may just have united the world in hatred... Regardless, Germany and America agree to war together,
Ian Smith collects some good books and builds a library. His assistant suggests sharing with the people. "Fine. But only the civilized ones." He drawls.
"Where are the infidel armies?" screeches Savvy. "I don't actually know." replies his military advisor. "Perhaps they are launching a calculated sneak attack. Or got lost."
Somalia plans piracy.
Roman armies skulk, while the French build a temple.
SUPRISE! Caracalla forgets to actually prepare a decent attack plan.
Good war.
Russia builds a big tower. "Go forth my sons, and claim the tundra!" bellows Putin. "Why?" asks a peasant. "Because I made a minaret. Obviously. Oh, and from now on you worship me."
The Romans viciously battle.
North Korea attacks Taiping, trying to get at the Statue of Zeus. "No more hand shaking..." snickers Kim.
Russia is attacked by their neighbours. "Fear not citizens, worship me, and you shall die and go to heavenhallavana!" roars shirtless Putin.
"Sir, we almost have the city!" "Excellent, we scared them. Peacetime"
Spain attacks Iran.
The Jacobins decide that they need some Protestants to torment.
Central Africa is attacked by people who can't harm them.
War. War. War.
Florence waits for an army to fight.
Putin defends, swinging bears as clubs.
FINALLY, SOMETHING FOR THEM TO BE INFIDELS OF
Davis realizes that cocaine isn't the answer, and attacks Escobar.
Taiping and NK ceasefire.
Rome waits to pounce.
Ah, a UU. Fancy.
PEACE IN OUR TIME
Druggies vs. slavers. Whoever wins, the people lose.
Japan is attacked by Putin.
Davis agrees to peace, in exchange for meth.
Hey look, an underpowered wonder.
German-Rhodesian borders tense up.
Peace in our time?
Spain takes the first city! Iran loses their second city to Francoist armies.
Meanwhile, Jacobin forces vow to attack a Florentine city and take it. China vows to settle in their path.
DEATH TO THE FREEDOM FRIE LOVING EASTERNERS
One of the niftiest SP wonders is built by Taiping.
Russia may be regretting their aggression. Russo-Japanese war anyone?
"Don't settle. Don't you fucking settle..."
"Nuts."
Florence gets tired of waiting for a war, and ends it.
Chiang... wow. You really don't need that there.
TENSIONS BUILD IN SINO-ROMAN RELATIONS. THE PRESIDENT SNORTS COCAINE.
Encore, encore!
And cont.
Romans once again try to take a city.
The Confederates begin their Spanish war.
Franco craves a challenge, and decides to make a new front. "I weep, its all so easy! Or maybe that's the cocaine talking..."
Damn. People don't like the Spanish.
Hitler fails to ally with the other Axis and instead tries to war with them.
Progress?
Oh.
Oh crap, Japan actually tried. They failed, but they tried. Bronze star.
"Japan is weak from Nazi attacks" announces the science advisor.
"Excellent. Prepare my horse." cackles Lopez.
Rome looks on, concerned at Spanish piety.
Paraguay surges.
China madly settles, making a weak peace, in order to...
...deal with Jacobin tyranny.
Osaka falls, and Japan falls into a hard place.
The Khan defends Nanking from Jacobin Imperialists.
The Confeds make progress, as a drug growing city falls.
Bokassa's peoples are pleased with the peacefulness of his rule, while the French are gleeful at the colonial war.
Meanwhile Putin's people are sick of worshiping him.
"Lets add more Christianity. Maybe that will make the world a better place?" muses Jackson, twirling his hickory cane.
Escobar realizes his drug empire is in danger, and perhaps the gringo has a sharper sword than it seemed.
Somalia, Germany, and America attack Florence.
The Somali armies move threateningly. They hope to pirate the Florentine paintings, but jokes on them! Savvy already burned them.
But which China?
As Japan furiously defends, Somalia decides to fight two fronts, and attacks America.
Italy prepares for round two, vowing to take N'York.
The French bemusedly are defeated.
Libya sneaks subtly.
Tokyo takes damage.
Libya makes a sudden attack on cautiously settling Iran.
The methheads rally against Confeds.
Damnit Somalia...
Thanks, Chiang?
Well. The first capital falls, to sleepy Gaddafi.
Escobar resurges against Davis.
Philly falls to Italy, as the fascists spread their delicious pizza, gelato, pasta, deli meats, and... Now, I need a lunch break. Nuts.
MINE, MINE, MINE.
Japan fights the two front war impressively, the Nazis proving mediocre at warfare.
Libya makes peace, taking most of Iran. The people gleefully await their new freedom. It never comes.
Libya looks pretty impressive, for such a peaceful (until recently) nation.
Japan starts to decay.
Horrified that someone is actually doing well at war, the Jacobin club declares war.
The CSA army is rehauled by Robert E. Lee, who sends a strike force to take some actual cities.
Iran is under attack from weirdly pantheistic Taiping.
Japan holds out.
Italy bites off a new pointless Florentine war. Everybody hates them, nobody can take them...
Somalia is big, scary, and can't get to Baltimore.
FINALLY. GO FORTH CHINESE BROTHER OF JESUS!
Mont St. Michel is built by the Jesus-Bro, and Italy tries to attack Paraguay.
Backlash to Lopez actually doing well spreads.
This seems suspicious.
Rome is attacked by China. "Payback time" murmurs mad Mao.
Iran is eliminated in last place, being brutally defeated by Taiping. Iran settled well, but failed to militarize. They did found a religion, but never got around to spreading it.
Backlash starts.
The war continues, in tropical Japan.
The Nazis end a stupid war.
Rome defends against the resurgent red army.
The CSA senses weakness, and Rome faces defeat.
Uh oh. Caracalla seals a front, and thusly can focus on the invaders.
Aaaand China is attacked.
Rome makes peace. Bad timing, Davis...
Chiang's army far outpaces Mao's, while Bokassa follows close.
Jackson's forces are way too small for a not-dying civ.
Nevermind. They are dying. Well done Mussolini, I thought you sucked.
Paraguay gets a fantastic wonder.
This bodes poorly for Jesus-Bro.
Somalia snipes New York, While Italy stupidly gains Baltimore through peace. Jackson is now almost irrelevant.
Rhodesia is at war with Florence? Florentine cities are actually taking damage? What? When?
Well, crap. Japan is crumbling quickly. Who will take Kyoto?
...there was a Libyan city there? Jesus, Gaddafi, that was stupid. At least France can pretend to be a good conquerer.
PISA FALLS! Rhodesia finally does some decent work, for a civ described as borderline OP.
Peace in the West, as the Confederate Empire begins to look threatening.
Taiping is upset with Spanish aggression, but I wouldn't be so callous with the army. Korea looks dangerous.
Washington is threatened- will Jackson fall?
Paraguay takes the Japanese city, and the Nazis face decreasing opportunities. Still better than in the CBR.
Taiping is doing well.
Escobar's army looks high.
Fuck's sake, Hong. That city was yours!
Ah, Jacobin UU!
Aaaand Japan takes 20th place, as Tojo is eliminated. Japan struggled to actually war, failing to best pitiful Putin, and then sandwiched between mighty Paraguay, and the mad dog of Hitler.
Rhodesia attacks Hitler.
Hmm. This may have been unwise...
"Who needs war for glory? We have me." muses Putin.
North Korea attacks Taiping. Oh dear...
Washington takes heavy damage, as the Somalis are desperate for some loot.
As normal all wars in the West grind to a boring halt.
And Andrew Jackson is eliminated in nineteenth place! America failed to expand as much as Somalia or Paraguay, while also being between unfocused, but competent Mussolini, and mighty Somalia... They were doomed.
Nice war declaration, Smith. Real clever.
Somalia actually has a (piratical) navy, unlike Libya. They are prepared to loot and raid the coast.
Sigh. Bulawayo falls.You, Smith. You are a pro. Why was this guy OP again?
Korean units drag down Taiping, while Somali ships do surprising damage to Taiping.
The War on Drugs is revived, as Davis goes to rehab, cleanses his body, and prepares to remove the Cartel.
Putin decides to attack the Nazi spoils of war. Finally, an aggressive move, from the modern days great warmonger!
Is this even a war, or a staring match with swords?
Wait, Florence was at war with Italy? Mussolini started it, didn't he? Well if so, that was fucking stupid. Free Baltimore for Savvy.
Barbosa might fall...
This bodes poorly...
Jacobin armies move on Philly. Perhaps they will do something this time.
The axis powers really aren't united this game, are they?
Why the fuck would you make more enemies, Hong you fool...
William the Conquerer rallies the Rhodesians against the Nazis. They strike at Frankfurt.
Mao descends on the growing fields of Escobar.
Frankfurt falls, and Rhodesia moves to take back their city.
Paraguay betrays Germany, and invades. Hitler is fucked and Lopez is getting quite scary.
Confederates march on Escobar's capital, while Mao helpfully assists.
Franco, Mao's (LOL), and Kim's (LOLOLOL) people are well fed.
Hong's people starve in the burning wastelands of the war, while Mussolini conserves grain.
Oh shit, Somalia takes a Taiping city! The pirates with a nation move into the West.
Central Africa takes advantage of the Korea's distraction, and invades. Fool of a Kim.
The Nazis look set to loose Japan.
Tianjing might fall soon.
Tokyo falls, and Hitler's Reich is dying.
The Nazis fucking founded Essen during the war, and essentially gifted it to Ian Smith. No teams Hitler! Dumbass.
Libya moves on Spain.
The Cartel capital looks like it might fall. Will Davis take the city, and seize the destiny of the West? Find out next time-
oooor right now. They did it, and Escobar faces defeat. But will Hitler worm his way out? Will Somalia expand their "colonies"? And will Putin do something worthwhile? Find out, nextime!

Next chapter:

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Civilization V: Monsters of History, Part 2 (The Two Powers)

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