Utter Frenchness - Part 1

Published: 2019-01-24, edited: 2019-01-24
Civilization VI played badly on a large map with a childish stereotype of a French approach to life guiding the decisions.

Part 1 - In which the French do some diplomacy, mooch around a bit and then suffer a series of misfortunes that put them within a nostril hair's breadth of losing their capital

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Utter Frenchness

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Game: Civilization VI, Sid Meier's

Utter Frenchness - Intro

Images: 30, author: SavageRoderick, published: 2019-01-23, edited: 2019-01-24

Bon-fucking-jour.

Smoking is only going out of fashion because people have other things to do while they wait now. Back in the olden days (unless you had a paperback secreted somewhere in your body warmer) you had to smoke or you'd start groping people because your hands were idle.

Anyway, only one loading screen this time. Not because the map didn't take forever to load (that will only get worse as things go on) but because I found a way to pass the time away from the computer.
The French settlers decided on a spot as far away from Switzerland and Spain as possible (while still being right between them) and founded Marseille on the coast. As soon as the people of Lyon heard this they changed their home's name to Carcassone. In Paris having two of the same letter beside one another in a word was dubbed 'southern doubling' and used an innuendo as often as possible by 'wits', a type of person still very much in the research and development phase.
German Fred got in touch offering peace on reasonable terms. As negotiations went on it became so obvious that the French were a bit off balance that he asked if they had any plagues or such. When they explained that they'd been talking to Gorgo before him he nodded sagely and admitted that if he didn't wear armour all the time he wouldn't be able to stand up in her presence. The meeting ended cordially.


Platter Un of the army went to check on things in the east and ran into some of Gorgo's troops. Reports indicated that they seemed rather distant and were easily startled.
Platter Deux went to see why the Roman attack on Geneva had fizzled out so completely and found that it was probably to do with the mounted scoundrels that were attacking them.
Still, Aquleia looked pleasant and Trajan was on some sort of comedown so didn't try to speak to them.
Platter Un moved North and spent some time inventing complaining about the food and then complaining about the food at length in Aachen. Obviously things were about to get much worse.
With both military Platters effectively on holiday it was fair to say that the noose was a lot more slack this time. Numerous patriots in Carcassone and Marseille vowed to eat their trousers if the Spanish outrage was allowed to take place.
In Rouen the response was a lot more practical: they spent the entire wealth of France buying up land. This would have been more effective if closed borders had been invented yet.
The Spanish disappeared into the uninhabited centre of France and the French (bear in mind this is in 2360BC) assumed that meant the problem had disappeared too. The southerners stopped marinading their trousers.
They were even momentarily distracted by the wreckage of Trajan's attempt to seize Geneva fleeing to hide in Marseille.
Before skipping to the next slide it is recommended that you open Youtube and go to the video 'Freddie Mercury & Montserrat Caballé - Barcelona (Original David Mallet Video 1987)'.
Skip to about 1:40 and then click back to here and go to the next slide.
If you did that correctly then this should have some impact.
Without even pausing to properly season the messenger pigeons both Platters hurried back to France.
It was decided that it was safer to assume that he had declared war than that he hadn't.
This was proven correct.
Paris and Rouen got to work on extra Platters as the Spanish advanced.
Both Platters got in place just as the Spanish decided to go for Paris after initially looking like it was Rouen they were after.
Platter Un sank a bottle each of (in the absence of the Dutch) Belgian courage and sallied out against the group of Spaniards who didn't have a river to cross to attack Paris.
With that group looking fairly mangled, Platter Deux moved to outflank the attackers. Paris had never looked less gay.
Astonished that what they thought their leader had said (that this would be easy) might have been untrue or simply related to another topic, the Spanish pulled back as their archers arrived. Even they struggle to know what Phil is on about most of the time. Too drunk to be sensible, Platter Un struck across the river to the North.
As the Spanish geared up for another attack it emerged that Big Fred had decided to try where Trajan had failed and was attacking the Swiss.
Both Platters were almost wiped out and Paris looked certain to fall. All French swearwords were invented within twenty minutes of the scene in this slide.
The lack of a low country slandering source of liquid courage really showed as the Spanish pulled back again. Portugal is quite hilly so doesn't work.
The Germans were doing the same East of Paris. At this point the Swiss ought to have been leading in the military victory side of things.
Even though they were a bit fed up of the Parisiens (for reasons we'll go into later) Rouen sent a fresh Platter to hit the Spanish archers from the rear as Paris finally finished training some archers of their own.
Partly bandaged and sobered up, Platters Un and Deux moved up again, the latter taking the hill South of Paris. Swearing in a positive, excited fashion was tried out for the first time and found to be equally satisfying as when upset, if somewhat gratuitous.
Platter Deux were wiped out in a Spanish counterattack and their archers were promoted just as it looked like the French might get the bastards
In spite of this, they'd been driven off and the French, having decided on the right dosage of wine and outrage cheese to take before battle, were fired up, ready to move on Barcelona and saying all sorts of racist things about Phil.
Meanwhile, the Parisiens started huffing about a lack of amenities. Pricks.
Rouen had cut down a forest to get get their own archers out and about. Added to their warriors and Paris' forces France had now built up...
The Grand Buffet.
That's the sort of level the Paris wits were working on at the time. I'm certainly not taking responsibility for it.
How far will the French take their vengeance? What exactly did say Gorgo this time? Are we all better off not knowing? Will Fred take Geneva? Did you see a boat? Will this spill over from silliness into actual racism? How many times is too many times to listen to 'Barcelona'? Can Paris' wits ever come up with anything funny or will they have to start eavesdropping on Britain? Find out this and... etc next time on Utter Frenchness.

Next chapter:

Game: Civilization VI, Sid Meier's

Utter Frenchness - Part 2

Images: 39, author: SavageRoderick, published: 2019-01-25

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