Utter Frenchness - Part 2

I'm just having some pâté to get into the right frame of mind. Its one of things that's somehow disgusting and delicious at the same time. Ready for the third instalment?

The computer isn't.

Sean Bean has been married five times.

He doesn't like helicopters and lists welding as one of his hobbies. I'm not one for the 'this is manly but that isn't manly' way of looking at things, but having welding as a hobby is exceptionally manly. I just wonder what he welds. It isn't as if it's like drawing where you can draw anything. Only some things need welded and probably not even that often.

Oh, its ready.

An unencouraging start to the siege of Barcelona as part of the Grand Buffet (it stuck, unfortunately) is killed by archers.

On the other hand a worker brought up from Carcassone while the Spanish were distracted is fixing the damage done to Paris.

The option of a treaty being open at last, the French asked Phil if he'd consider fucking off out of Le France. Mainly on the basis of his body language it was inferred that he was not open to this.

His people having learned to make horses do what they were told was almost certainly part of this. It was to become a problem.

Unable to get out of range of the Spanish mass of archers, a whole platter was wiped out in a suicidal effort to ruin at least some of their enemies' day.

The French fell back to heal up and hopefully draw the Spanish away from the protection of Barcelona.

It worked and in spite of some casualties all seemed well: the Carcassone builders had set up a vineyard near Paris. The pomp of the Grand Buffet was gone, replaced with the atmosphere of a boozy lunch at which the bar tab was irrelevant because certain things had to get done.

The French archers drew fire, coaxing Mad Phil's men out into the open where much less skilled soldiers could beat them horribly.

After a brief reprieve the Spanish moved up again. Most of them were on horses. As mentioned already, this was something that the French would find difficult.

One Tapa of horsemen, having been driven away from Paris, retreated North of Rouen. The other attacked the French archers, taking full of advantage of being on the better end of the rock/paper/scissors relationship between them.

More were arriving from Spain and the raw recruits of Carcassone went out to meet them.

This proved a bad idea and their frustration was felt by all of the French forces. The country was swamped with cavalry and the invaders were back on the offensive.

Unable to beat the Spanish soldiers, the Carcassone Platter leapt on an opportunity to abduct some builders heading from Madrid to Barcelona. Like the German abductees before them, they accepted the not altogether convincing argument that they were French because they were in France and being told so. The massive dollop of Spain in the middle of it was brushed over.

The trouble was that the cavalry wouldn't die properly. They tended to get injured, run away a bit, heal up and then come back. I am reliably informed that it was infuriating.

Another Tapa of Spanish builders blundered into the hands of Carcassone's troops. Even if the Spanish held onto Barcelona the free workers would make a treaty almost worth it.

They took their newly French French workers with them as they headed North to join the renewed attack on Barcelona. Having managed to outnumber the Spanish archers and wear down their cavalry the momentum had shifted again.

Hearing about this (and cooking the messenger pigeon in a sauce even the people of Rouen admitted was excellent) the Spaniard's camped out by the channel decided to break out.

The Rouen Platter retreated to the city while the siege of Barcelona got underway.

At this point the French were reminded of the existence of Germany when they settled a new city in the Alps. A mixture of desperately wanting to avoid another war and fondness for him borne of his not being Spanish prompted them to get in touch and offer him some lemons in return for furs.

He didn't seem well and no one had seen Gorgo in a while so it was less likely to be to do with her and her rampant sexual aggression.

Carcassone used some of their ridiculous number of captives to rush the training of another warrior.

With French troops advancing from all sides and only some battered archers in place the French decided to give Phil another chance to leave of his own accord.

Its less as if he talks and more as if he gestures with his face on top of all the other gesturing he does.

A few volleys from all three archer Platters and some mad rushes from the warriors and Barcelona was ripe to fall. To the North a Tapa of cavalry who had presumably been injured in the second attack on Paris reappeared and renewed their attack.

More appeared, proving that the French tendency to assume a problem was gone when it wasn't immediately obvious was still alive and well. That they had presumably been hiding out in Belgium was also a concern.

Ignoring this problem the Buffet seized Barcelona, making Le France fully French again apart from all the Spaniards and Germans who had settled and built it.

After that it was just a case of slaughtering the Spanish diversionaires at Paris.

The new spearmen hastened this process and it was time to 'talk' to Phil again.

For a moment the French hoped we was going to commit Seppuku and not be a problem anymore but it turned out he'd spotted a sparrow and wanted to stab it. One of his bodyguards (carers) explained that Mad Phil hated sparrows. A peace treaty was signed while he ran around hacking at the shrubs. The French walked off with a pile of cash and the promise of more on a regular basis.

Following a quick rubbing-salt-in-the-wound name change to 'Ville du Phillipe' the French looked around for something to do. They'd been occupied with fighting for so long they had almost lost the habit of leisurely dining. Brunch was invented and was in full swing when Vicky showed up, looking pretty desperate. A quick deal was made in the hope she'd go away.

With some of Phil's cash they promised to send a delegation with tons of wine if she'd leave them to think up more hybrid meals.

Shortly after they'd invented the Mimosa and a few hours before someone (both at the time and forever after considered a debauched pervert) invented the chocolate croissant, gossip began to circulate. Gorgo had fallen out badly with Trajan and Big Fred and had sent pigeons (which were saved for a late afternoon hybrid meal that didn't stand the test of time) detailing their sexual inadequacies. Eyebrows were raised. Amused gestures were made. Coarse comments were exchanged. It seemed the conversation would go on flowing too, since they'd just discovered political philosophy. They had a limitless supply of wine and were all in fine moods because of the victory over Spain. It was blissful and Spanish captives were doing all the work. The French were getting along so well that when an argument occurred someone invented the word 'touché'. God, I'm jealous of the French.

Will it last? Why are all the foreigners so unhappy? Is it because they're not French? Are you sure you saw a boat last time or did you just notice that I accidentally left the mini-map open this time? What will they get up to next? Can you become French? There will be more.