Utter Frenchness - Part 4

This little medieval spiel doesn't make any sense either. You don't really notice when Sean says it though, only if you read it.

I assume my mistakes will be overlooked for the same reason: that no one is reading them.

Why do anything?

I'm really starting to get into a French frame of mind now. I'm absolutely drenched in ennui. Its disgusting.

Poor old Fred. Some Frenchmen looked on as Hamburg's defences crumble.

Word came through on the grapewine that Mad Phil had reached the medieval era and Russia had settled somewhere called Voronezh somewhere. Peter needed some new cities because his capital was rubbish and clearly not his first choice. He took out his gloom by denouncing Trajan.

Trajan finished his conquest of Germany, leaving Big Fred just enough time to denounce the French before he was exiled or put in a chest freezer or whatever happens to Civ leaders when they're defeated.

Luckily it was looking as if Vicky had thought better of her landing in the North because troops were needed down South. Mad Phil was firmly on brand.

Trajan seemed to be feeling slightly guilty, probably because he'd been denounced a lot of late. The French weren't bothered about Fred. They shrugged and the Roman left looking unsatisfied.
Cleo popped in and seemed to be trying to be seductive. Her choice of fruit was poor, however, and it just made the French miss Gorgo.
A small queue had formed.

He was still clearly in discomfort in the crotch area but the French were pretty sure they'd heard these noises before.

Marseille unveiled its shiny new cannon as Cleo denounced Spain, presumably by throwing something under-ripe at him.

Mad Phil was still fixated on Paris but by the time his cavalry got near it most of them had been killed.

The French were experts at being invaded by now.

They soon had the Spanish in full retreat.
Then, as is traditional whenever France starts to really get into a war, someone else did something strange.

Its safe to say that no one saw that coming. Trajan immediately declared war on Vicky.

Shaking off the confusion about Stoke-upon-Trent, the French advanced, losing a few archers to Phil's remaining cavalry.

Gorgo was kind enough to denounce Phil for invading and seemed a bit less spiky and terrifying than usual...

...but then she got grabby. And she has the grip strength of a boa constrictor.

With most of Phil's forces wiped out it began to look as if his Portuguese ally might be the main obstacle for the French.

As they pulled back to prepare for the attack on Madrid it became clear: the Portuguese were clearly much tougher than Mad Phil.

Plundering had provided the funds to come up with a response: Crossbowmen.

Sacré bleu!

Meanwhile, the Famous Jean Reno docked at Rouen and passed on another letter of introduction. I promise to explain about the Famous Jean Reno soon.

Trying to stay out of range of the Portuguese archers by slowly rotating around Madrid away from them, the French attacked.

Oop North, France had sent a scout to have a look around. Aachen was in a poor state.

With Madrid taken the French captured a settler. They debated offering Phil peace before realising he couldn't give up Valencia because it was his capital and that Toledo was shit. Even with control of the main city in Iberia they still had to steer clear of the Portuguese.

The Roman Empire, with Trajan's new city of Ostia snaffling a luxury resource that the French should have snaffled first.

The Portuguese came to the French. It was hard to imagine why they were so loyal to Phil. Maybe he had hidden depths.

Presumably because of a slight reduction in the size of the French army - and because she's a nightmare - Cleo had a a bit of a grump, expressing herself with something she must have heard of via Trajan's apparent wormhole to the culture of the 1990s.

As the French finally hacked their way through the last of the Portuguese a pigeon arrived from the scout. Finally with a bit of time on their hands, the French enjoyed it with a nice Port wine sauce.

Who would have thought that they'd finally meet someone who could entertain an abstract idea and she'd not only be at war with the only other even vaguely sane person they'd met but also madder than Phil or the fruit lady?

Valencia fell but even the capture of another bunch of Spanish (now French) settlers couldn't help the French shake the pissed-off feeling Tomyris had given them.

It seemed he was giving some sort of list of highlights until he spotted another Sparrow and was off again. The French felt quite sorry for him and decided to leave him Toledo in return for the usual pile of cash and him dropping his claims on Madrid and Valencia. They felt they'd made some progress in understanding him too. Tomyris, who'd missed the parts where Phil absolutely brought it on himself, was angry.

To make up for the desnafflement of the diamonds south of Fort Du Francais the garrison commenced the ensnafflement of a builder who'd been captured by scoundrels. Then the denouncements really began to flow.

Peter turned out to be a bit odder than he'd initially seemed.

Cleo was at least consistent.

The last denouncer, with whom the French authorities hadn't yet spoken, demonstrated the virtue of directness.

Faced with all this pretty unfair abuse and with plenty of stolen settlers and a veteran army, what will the French do next? Find out after the special next episode: The Voyages of Famous Jean Reno.