Brazil Vic2 HPM AAR Part III: The Politics

It was a great day to be Emperor of Brazil. The economy was doing great, no enemies where around and the Conselheiro was not pushing for war against anybody, seemingly happy with the lands they took.

It was also the inauguration of Teresina, the first planned city in the entirety of South America.

That the city's plan was a X/Y graph on a dirty napkin and that the city was never actually finished, nor its expansion controlled, was of no matter. Progress!

The battle for influence in Central America continued, but in the courts.

Nicaragua was one of the last countries that needed to be brought under the mighty Brazilian wing, the problem was removing the British cohorts at the Palace.

"But why Minister? Why can't we take them out?"

The MFA was sweating. "They're just better at this game than we are. Diplomatic Limerick Battles are hard, Conselheiro, I'm doing my best already!"

A few days later the Nicaraguans told us, for no apparent reason, that we were not welcome anymore at the tree house, and also that we'd lost cred with them.

We were, however, researching how to stay positive despite these mishaps. While we did that, the world was on fire.

Until, of course, a headline shocked his Majesty while he was at the "throne".

"Brazilian extra hostile takeover of Paraguay's market incoming?"

"MINISTER! WHAT IN THE GODDAMN IS THIS?"

The MFA came running into the Royal Bathroom.

"Oh, Conselheiro got some cheese to appease our capitalists"

"So we go to war on behalf of all 6 of them?" asked the thoroughly perplexed monarch.

"Well, yeah, but it should be a quick affair."

Except there was a 3 year long Carnaval parade and the couriers kept losing the war declaration papers.

(I was busy micromanaging spheres of influence and kept forgetting about the expiration date on the CB)

Finally, in 1860, Paraguay agreed to be exploited by us.

The High Council of Cheese convened and the MFA started the meeting.

"The United States split, with the south declaring war on the north"

"Finally!" Conselheiro, for some reason, looked very happy. "How many troops they mobilized?"

"None."

"Let's finan- wait what?"

"Yes, Conselheiro. They have no troops on the field. Nobody on the southern states could read the declaration that war was on"

"Shit, goddamn it. I suppose we'll have to destroy America ourselves later on."

Two years later, slavery was abolished in Brazil, and everyone rejoiced except for, well, basically everyone.

Now blacks were free to be exploited by taxes and not educated properly like the rest of the population (1 in 10 Brazilians could read the funny papers).

"Well, your Majesty, but this is an important step into the right direction."

"I agree Conselheiro. Every man and woman is now truly free and equal in our country, I just wish it hadn't taken so long to be so."

"No, not that. That's cool too, but now we can attract Europeans who subjugate Africans to live with our African descendants!"

"Wha-...how does that make sense?"

"Here, watch."

The troops moved into Fuuta Jalon, a tribal nation that had no concept of banking but still accrued enough debts to have to be put down by the Great Powers.

"See? Our European and African-mixed troops are quite happy to go kill other Africans for money!"

His Majesty still could not comprehend the absurd logic.

"Let me try again. Here, let's force Loango's ports open. General, give the order!"

"Yes sir!" answered the General, happily skipping his way into the Unique War Order Transmission Mailroom, which was the 8th room at the Palace. "I'll go to the UWOTM8 at once!"

"Good! Your Majesty, see, it's an 'us vs them' thing, no matter the arbitrary color or the forged papers. All that matter, really, is that we do less dying than the other side, and then our side is quite happy to live with anybody."

"I see. I wish I didn't, but I see."

"Also, the Europeans come here hoping really hard that every lady adopts the bare-breasted fashion of anyone not European. Think of the titties, your Majesty"

"The French wish to reinstate the alliance, everyone!"

"About time!" retorted Conselheiro, looking at the world map. "Let's see if they come through this time against the Dutch!"

"They won't, sir. The Dutch are considered a proto-swamp people these days, and the French were quick to take them under their wing. Their colonies are really out of our reach for now."

"Shit," mumbled the General. "What use can we give the French then?"

"Well, the cheese always has a fallback. We go after the Spanish Philippines."

"The French says 'sure, why not? we're bored anyway' so what do we do?" reported the MFA.

"Even though the Spaniards are allied to the Russians?"

"Yes, even so."

"Your Majesty, denounce the Spaniards, if you will"

In a rousing speech on 26 April, Emperor Pedro II took the Parliament tribune.

"The Spanish are too fucking inept to handle all their lands, so we're taking some. Also, let's open the Second Spanish Underwater Museum off our coasts!"

Except the Brits, always the Isle hermits, decided to intervene on the side of the Spaniards.

At the War Room, everyone looked to the Conselheiro, who was grinning.

"Well, we'll do our part financing our allies to fight our wars. Subsidize everyone at once, Minister. Tell the French to forget about the everyone else and just storm Madrid, and they'll have tales about beating the Brits."

"At once, Conselheiro"

A little over a year later, the Spanish surrendered the required lands. Conselheiro was already scouting the map for unclaimed* lands to take.

*Unclaimed means Asian kingdoms up for grabs which no Major power would be pissed about. When asked about the population already residing there, he's reported to have said only "When they're Brazilian I'll care, until then they're targets." The coldness of the statement froze the ink on the reporter's quill.

"The French are asking for our help against Germany!"

His Majesty nodded. "Surely, tell them we respond. But don't send anyone except some bankers with money."

Brazilian explorers were the first to figure out the source of the Nile.

The Independent, Victorian edition, had the following headline.

"Brazilians find source of the Nile; British explorers in denial"

The Americans discovered communism. That's the joke.

"Let's go after Dai Nam..."

"...because the French already have a headstart in the region and we need to catch up."

Japan was still not westernized, France and the Brits were disputing my Colombia sphereling, and the war with Dai Nam was on.

The result of a new, completely bonkers GP on the world stage influencing everyone and stealing people from spheres meant that the French forgot about Madagascar (after they had a problem with rebels), so I took it.

But the world had other problems.

Big, big problems if they could not solve their differences.